MLS Weakly, 04 03 2021: The Final Preseason Round-Up, with a Dash of Futures

I'm not rubbing my nipples, you are.

Against earlier promises, I’ve decided to take another run at organizing some general thoughts about the 2021 Major League Soccer regular season. Because The Mothership didn’t hire enough interns (or wake him/her up or something), the stand-alone “Preseason Schedule and Results” gets updated without due religiosity, this whole thing also doubles as a sleuthing mission for all the preseason results I can find. If they won’t do the work, etc.

As with the…oh, past three to five seasons, I’ll be leaning into trends in the results as the clearest instrument for picking up where the winds are blowing around MLS. I think I’ve got a plan for how to do that, if loosely, but that whole process starts with expectations of what should happen when Team A meets Team Z, say, in Team Z’s hometown. The end result won’t quite be “power rankings” - because fine-tune ranking in this league means nothing in any scheme, grand or otherwise - but to, again, create a broad set of assumptions of how the first two weeks of regular season games look likeliest to shake out. Oh, and expectations aren’t predictions. I don’t do predictions. I do, however, like it when a team surprises me…c’mon, FC Cincinnati. Do me like that…

One final preliminary, I have not yet organized any team’s preseason results into a formal preseason record - mostly because I thought someone would do it for me, but, no, of course they didn’t - and that’s going to be the main work of this post. (I’m out-of-pocket next weekend, so this is my last shot at this.) Once I get each team’s record to date fleshed out, I’ll organize all the teams in MLS into…let’s go with three categories: good, middling, and mystery meat. The latter means they could go just about any way (but with down being the more likely); also, I nixed “bad” as a category and on the grounds that I’ll let the season do the talking on that.

And, yeah, guess that’s the preamble. Once I put every team in the pretty little boxes I prepared for them, I’ll close out the post with a discussion of the first two weeks of games for the 2021 regular season.

Ready? Set? Go!

The Good
Atlanta United FC(a soft 4-0-0(?), and it looks like they’re done)
Atlanta did a tour de USL for their preseason and, between the actual recorded scores on The Mothership and half-glimpsedrumors on Dirty Soccer South, it looks like they swept all four games (against South Georgia’s Tormenta FC, the Charleston Battery, Chattanooga FC and Birmingham Legion). Near as I can tell, they scored 14 and might have given up just one goal - about what one would expect from a team in the American top-flight with Rocky-like ambition to rise back to the top. Fans should have a better idea where they are against real opposition by around 7 p.m. Tuesday (Pacific Time).
Overall: I expect Atlanta to compete in the East, and in general, in 2021.

MLS Weakly, 03 27 2021: The Weakliest of Weaklies...

Hangry for games/results.

This week, the Weakly will truly live up to its name. Yessir…

The Major League Soccer preseason continues, but the league’s brain trust has made it…bafflingly hard to keep track of who’s doing what. While I’m confident that some kind of rich asshole logic informs decisions like, say, failing to update the preseason schedules/scores page - particularly when it comes to preseason games against teams from other leagues - or the regionally-restricted streaming that blacked-out FC Cincinnati’s preseason game (and win!) against (and over!) Chicago Fire FC, the upshot is the same: I’m stuck getting second-hand intel on the Portland Timbers’ and Cincinnati’s respective preseasons from the Happy Friends who live in my phone.

Fortunately, the news has been good for FC Cincy and…goodish for the Timbers. The former just wrapped up a 2-1 win over Chicago as I’m typing, while Portland dropped a hint they’ll continue last season’s formula of scoring more (or as many) goals than (the considerable number) they allow with a 3-3 draw against Sporting Kansas City earlier this week. I’d like to have more to say about both games - my Kingdom for even one puckish insight - but I can’t have much to say about what I don’t see…though the Happy Friends in My Phone, Ohio Chapter, seemed pretty happy with what they saw against Chicago. Luciano Acosta scored one and new-kid Calvin Harris added one more by following up a “dummy,” and there’s some enthusing about the depth (ht: @GeoffTebbetts) that feels encouraging.

I suppose I’m not totally paralyzed. For instance, you can glean things here and there - e.g., that Chicago had edged both New York City FC and the Philadelphia Union before tripping over li’l ol’ Cincinnati - and add other results - e.g., that NYCFC beat both Orlando City SC and Columbus Crew SC after dropping that scrimmage to Chicago, or that Philadelphia has lost to everyone they’ve played thus far - but nothing replaces direct observation and I’m…just annoyed with the powers that be and wish they’d stop choking off access to this stuff. Moreover, I refuse to check three different sites trying to figure out how, say, the Seattle Sounders fared against Tacoma Defiance on March 25th, or how Atlanta United FC played against Chattanooga FC the day before (or did that one get postponed due to COVID?).

[UPDATE: The Mothership finally stirred itself to update some scores (maybe they want a monopoly on product?), including games for Minnesota United FC, Real Salt Lake, FC Dallas and Red Bull New York. The results went...mostly as expected, with the two standouts being Minnesota kicking the holy shit out of the Charleston Battery (srsly, 9-0) and the Red Bulls losing 0-2 to Miami FC.]

Therefore and pursuant thereto, it is with great regret that I just give up and post notes on the random, speculative horseshit that The Mothership posts during every offseason - e.g., “each MLS team’s breakout player candidate” and “the Top 10 newcomers.” After that, I’ll look at the schedules for Portland and Cincinnati and try to wring some more bullshit out of that. If I survive the humiliation and psychic pain of those processes, I might close out with notes on the progress of the U.S. Men’s Olympic Team in their attempts to qualify for this summer’s Tokyo Olympics…

…or I might just give up and link to a couple points of interest. Moving on….to nowhere. Thanks, stingy assholes…

MLS Weakly, 03 20 2021: Portland and Cincinnati in (Updated) Context & Olympic Qualifying

Because where you start matters...

With all the hot preseason action on the calendar for today, I almost held this post till tomorrow. More games = more data, even barebones results, but, then I remembered, 1) we’re currently in the “pre” phase of preseason, something that makes every result more suspect, plus 2) there’s U.S. Men’s Olympic Qualifying tomorrow - and at a time I can actually absorb it (e.g., it’s not during working hours). Speaking of, I caught about 30 disjointed minutes’ worth of the U.S. Yout’ win over Costa Rica, but, lacking anything approaching expert analysis, I’ll bury my loose thoughts on that at the bottom post. They're pissy, in case that entices anyone.

In fact, this entire post will be half-reversed in that, rather than start with news/commentary/bullshit on the Portland Timbers and FC Cincinnati, I’ll interpoloate that among the league-wide stuff. The thinking there is that whatever either team has (Cincinnati) or hasn’t (Portland) done recently happens in the context of what every other team in Major League Soccer does, especially within their respective conferences. (Related: anyone know when the full schedule comes out? Any word on whether the 2021 regular season will be “regular”?)

First things first, the preseason results continue to roll in [Ed. - I’ll update this section tomorrow in the event anything interesting happens today.], so I thought I’d flag any eye-catching results as I go. The pickins remain slim and some apparent points of interest - e.g., the Colorado Rapids’ so-far perfect start to the season - deserve ignoring - e.g., both of the Rapids’ wins came in two 45-minute scrimmages, so moving on. Yes, it’s all very contingent, but, newbies Austin FC logged an impressive result against OKC Energy - a USL 1 team, obviously, but the 4-1 score makes for a good debut by an expansion side. Atlanta United FC, meanwhile, keeps landing results that make their ominous-on-paper handicapping hold up.

[UPDATE: MLS had a busy March 20, with (at least) seven pre-game matches taking place. As always, keep the usual caveats about preseason in mind (e.g., did both teams start a full squad, and so on) as you consider the following: the Rapids remain perfect in preseason with a slim win over Sporting Kansas City; going the other way, the Philadephia Union remains completely imperfect after going down 0-1 against Chicago Fire FC - who also remain perfect for preseason. (NOTE: The Rapids wrap up gives you Colorado's line-up, at least, while you get jack and shit from Chicago's round-up.) Meanwhile, (clap, clap, clap) deep in the heart of Texas, FC Dallas becme the second MLS team to kick the crap out of OKC Energy, with Ricardo Pepi scoring two in their 4-0 win, while the Houston Dynamo played Austin Bold, only no one cared to post that score. The Los Angeles Galaxy couldn't get better than a 1-1 draw against San Diego Loyal and, finally, in a result that FC Cincinnati fans should mind, despite the pain of it, Nashville SC beat Louisville City all up and down (i.e., they rolled 4-0), which makes for a stinky smell-test against Cincy's earlier 0-3 loss the same team.

Finally, my Portland Timbers came out 3-1 winners against the USL's Phoenix Rising (ya ain't risin' yet, MFs!). It was good to see Tega Ikoba score one, even if I don't know who he is (ah, he's an academy kid, now on T2), while Diego Valeri kept rolling from a frankly inspiring 2020 with a goal and an assist. They've got (low-angle) highlights of all the goals (except Phoenix's) in the link above, so drink it on up. My only real thought on the result and Portland's preseason generally, they need all the positive energy they can get when they roll into CD Marathon's digs in the CCL, so keep the Ws coming...please.]

MLS Weakly, 03 14 2021: Olympic Qualifying, Preseason....We Got GAMES, Y'All!

Call it due diligence, call it ass-covering, I'm good.

First, and happily, there will be soccer this week - and in games that’ll count - when the U.S. Men’s Olympic Team (USMOT?) kicks off its crash-course qualification schedule in Mexico. I mean, this thing will be over in a flash.

The USMOT starts with Costa Rica on Thursday (3:30 pm PST), then the Dominican Republic on Sunday (5 pm PST), then the following Wednesday against Mexico (7:30 pm PST; all games airing on FS1). They’ll need to finish either first or second in their Group (A) to qualify for the semifinals and, in order to qualify for Tokyo (assuming it happens), they’ll just need to win that semifinal; the final, as it turns out, is for bragging rights alone. And, to finish the thought, their potential universe of opponents for that semifinal include, El Salvador, Haiti, Honduras, and Canada - and who among isn’t hoping for the 54-40 or Fight Derby?

As for handicapping, I have fan acquaintance-level familiarity with most of the roster (the exceptions: Matthew Freese, Mauricio Pineda, Johnny Cardoso, Ulysses Llanez, Andres Perea, and Sebastian Saucedo, and Sebastian Soto), but, because I don’t know even a quarter’s worth of dick about the opposition, I won’t pretend to have anything insightful, never mind useful to say. Matt Doyle raised a couple questions about the final roster - short version: he’s dubious on the calls at forward (for why no Jeremy Ebobisse?) and the FC Cincinnati 2019-esque midfield construction (for why no Eryk Williamson?) - so I’ll let those points stand. Overall, though, I’m just happy to know I’ll have some familiar faces kicking a ball in anger (and, ideally, joy) late next week - and in games that count.

The meaningless games have started as well - i.e., Major League Soccer preseason is (finally) under way - giving MLS fans the first (meaningless) results of the 2021 season. Not many teams have played so far, and fewer still have played anything bigger than an intra-squad scrimmage, but FC Cincinnati was one of them. I’ll get to that (reported shit-show) when I get to them, but here are the other results that count (e.g., not intra-squad (Dallas? Houston?), not victimizing the local college team, etc.):

Atlanta United 3-0 Tormenta FC (c’mon, they made up that name)
Chicago Fire 2-1 New York City FC
Sporting Kansas City 4-0 Phoenix Rising

To answer at least one person’s question (you, at the back), Jesus, no, I won’t list every preseason result between now and First Kick; blame the little frisson I feel at seeing games between teams I recognize this time ‘round. The SKC result looks about right and maybe I’d have something to add about Atlanta’s result if I knew what a “tormenta” was, but the result in the Chicago v NYCFC game feels worth bookmarking - for now, anyway.

MLS Weakly, 02 27 2021: Camp Opens, Cups Get Hideous & Getting Nervous about the Math

A statement on World Cup 2022

Let’s get the downer out of the way first. Both U.S. National Teams (that is Men and Women) announced their schedules for 2021 ($ site), and probably did a bunch of other shit I don’t really care about. (Related: does U.S. Soccer run the U.S. Open Cup; asking due to that tournament’s long, continuing strides toward irrelevance: I mean…who blessed this mess?) I rarely tune in for USWNT games, but that’s from lack of context, but it’s getting damned hard to get excited about USMNT games due to the sharp stench wafting over from Qatar.

Look, I understand that FIFA is crooked as 20 broken penises, but reports of 6,500 deaths associated with the construction of stadiums in a country that, frankly, should never have been awarded a World Cup pushes them several miles past vanilla corruption and into open criminality. I can’t, in good conscience watch an event built on top of so many dead, which will make 2022 the first World Cup I’ve ever skipped and the first I've missed any part of since 1982. If I commit to that (frailty being a thing), is there any point to watching World Cup qualifying when it starts later this year?

Despite everything above, I’ll likely tune in for friendlies, Nations Cup and this summer’s Gold Cup, and that entails some falling from the moral high ground because I assume FIFA gets a cut of all of that. I acknowledge the several rationalizations needed to make that leap - the way the body (qualifying tournaments) support the head (the World Cup Finals) chief among them - but I’d still love to see the Qatar tournament fall flat on its hideous face and sincerely hope it comes to pass. I’ll keep telling myself that failure of the marquee event would give FIFA the darkest possible black eye.

FIFA will always be corrupt, near as I can tell, so the only real moral choice is to stop watching international soccer altogether. I can’t see doing that. At any rate, I’m stepping away for a shower and 2,000 Hail Mary’s, and then I’ll move on the Major League Soccer.

And…we’re back. The 2021 MLS season has finally, officially started with a handful of teams reporting to camp. I’ll do the usual thing, i.e., talk about the two teams I follow (FC Cincinnati and the Portland Timbers) and then wrap up with some league-wide notes. And so, to start with the team that has…

MLS Weakly, 02 13 2021: Negotiations and Aspirations

I am, and always will be, open-minded.

I won’t post a Weakly next week, so praise the soccer gods for giving me so much material to work with this week.

First and foremost and, as assumed last week, there will be a 2021 Major League Soccer season. The regular season won’t start until April 17 (leaving me to wonder what the hell I’ll talk about every week for two months…which perhaps points to the wisdom of not posting stuff when there’s nothing to talk about), but it looks like (most) teams will report to training as of March 1, 2021.

The very next thought: will there be, like, an actual preseason - i.e., the annual ritual of MLS teams thrashing the kids from the nearest college and USL teams? More to the point, will MLS fans get to see one of my most cherished of preseason rituals, those little February (or March) mini-tournaments in Arizona, Florida and, in recent years, Portland, OR? If not, however will they get to see their team’s players from the deepest depths of the bench and/or that year’s draft picks before they go back under or to their team’s USL affiliate for the rest of the year? How else will fans see the players who will absolutely not feature in any part of the upcoming campaign? I know I want to know...

As much as I love the things (I like like them), hosting and arranging preseason games feels like one hell of a risk under the (fast COVID) circumstances. I mean, why risk players getting The Bad Bug before points are on the line - especially if it risks losing points later (but they’ll reschedule games…right?)? Going the other way, why not get ahead on managing game-day settings before the real thing? My guess is, most teams will play and, gods willing, live-stream at least two preseason games in 2021. Even if hitting the ground running isn’t in the cards, why not hit it at a solid trot?

Even if preseason doesn’t happen, fans of four* teams - Atlanta United FC, the Philadelphia Union, Columbus Crew SC, and my Portland Timbers - and general MLS enthusiasts have the treat of hot CONACAF Champions’ League action to look forward to starting on or around the first Tuesday in April. (* If Toronto FC can beat…whatever the hell Forge FC is, MLS will send five teams to the CCL, but, c’mon, who doesn’t want to line up behind Team Forge?) Because I’ve got nothing else for Portland, I’ll do the little CCL handicapping I can in the Timbers section below. Before that, though, I wanted to spend a little time dissecting the agreement/truce that made the 2021 MLS season possible. Yessir, time to talk about…

MLS Weakly, 02 06 2021: Sloppy Notes on the Season We're Apparently Getting...

My interest, leaving...

As of ____ p.m.*, February 6, 2021, Major League Soccer’s players voted to tentatively ratify a new collective bargaining agreement (CBA) that will govern relations between them and the bastards they work for through the 2027. In other words, barring another pandemic or its equivalent, we won’t have to go through this shit for while. [* They haven't done it yet, don't know when they will.]

The general consensus, at least among the (largely) pro-labor lefties I follow, was that the players got the short-end of the deal. As argued in last week’s post, I believe the players simply don’t have leverage equal to the bastards they work for, so I’m mostly hoping they squeezed some meaningful concessions out of the league before signing on the dotted line…

…speaking of signing on the dotted line, FC Cincinnati finally did something interesting and/or not sad! To celebrate that, I’ll give them the honors of starting the weakly review. Portland will come next, followed by a little league-wide thoughts and theorizing.

FC Cincinnati (Probably?) Gets One Right
On the timeless principle that one doesn’t get dessert until one finishes her goddamn vegetables (eat your fucking vegetables, Stacy!), a couple thoughts from MLS’s Matt Doyle on where Cincinnati’s roster build is right now…or was until a couple days ago:

“Jurgen Locadia's loan goes until June and it's probably pretty fair to assume there's little interest in bringing him back long-term given he managed just 1 goal in about 1,400 minutes. I'd say the writing's on the wall for Yuya Kubo, last year's other DP signing (three goals and zero assists in 1300 minutes) as well. Plus Allan Cruz doesn't seem to be a first-choice player by Stam's reckoning, and that's no way to spend a DP slot.”

“’No. 10 is a priority, winger is a priority, center back is a priority and No. 9 is a priority,’ he told media on a conference call last week, and let's parse this a bit…”

Yes, let’s - and Gerard Nijkamp is the “he” of that sentence. Bluntly, Cincy has a horrendous number of needs and all over the field. Several players they’ve signed - and, lest we forget, who thrilled fans before extended, disappointing reveals - have not panned out - e.g., Kubo and Locadia, but also Siem de Jong. Moreover, a couple players in key positions - here, I’m thinking mainly of Kamohelo Mokotjo - still should count as unknowns. And yet there’s still that long list of needs even with those players on the roster.