Level Set 19, Nashville SC: The Responsible Younger Sibling

It's Shaun Cassidy, right?

What follows is a brief history of Nashville SC, plus more brief notes on whatever long-term tendencies they have. Their 2025 season gets weighed on both sides of that and the whole thing ends with where I see things with them in this very specific moment in time - i.e., before First Kick 2026. You should count on things happening between here and there.

The post ends with a scale I came up with to measure the long-term success of every team in Major League Soccer. It does some things well (e.g., count trophies/achievements), other things less well (capture recent trends). It's called the Joint Points Scale and you can find a link that explains what it does. I was really stoned when I came up with the scale and wrote the post. Caveat lector. With that...

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Nashville SC joined in the COVID season (2020), along with Inter Miami CF, but fate has made them the plain sister/unathletic brother to MLS's glamour boys. And they built their inaugural roster as if they'd had their fortunes told by an insurance agent. It started with anchoring the backline with Walker Zimmerman and the midfield with forever-MLS vet, Dax McCarty; the front-office honchos filled out those two lines with still more familiar, imposing figures – e.g., Dave Romney and Daniel Lovitz in defense and Anibal Godoy in midfield. When it came to the offense, Nashville spent both big and wisely on one player – Hany Mukhtar, a future (and deserved) league MVP (2022) – but spent a couple seasons looking to squeeze more production than other teams got out of MLS journeymen like C. J. Sapong, Teal Bunbury, or even Alex Muyl and Fafa Picault. That’s not to say they haven’t tried to level up with bolder signings – e.g., I thought they’d landed a secondary scorer with winger Randall Leal, alas – but pinching pennies on the attacking side may have been Nashville’s first tradition. Have they moved on since? One could make a case for Sam Surridge as a first step – they (reportedly) paid $6.5 million – but he also came over after a shaky season in the English Championship. (And who can see what the future holds?) If Nashville has demonstrated anything, it’s how far a good defense goes toward getting reliable results and/or into the playoffs. Apart from a slip in 2024, Nashville has qualified for the playoffs every season since joining MLS, if sometimes only as a wild card, which, again, doesn’t count around here*…also, yes, wait for it. Consistency ain’t so bad, of course, and a good defense is great, but a team has to have a little something on the other end to win tournaments – and one player can’t shoulder the entire attack. Call it illustration, call it a quirky bit of trivia, Nashville didn’t even make the MLS Cup quarterfinals in Mukhtar’s 2022 super-season.

Getting Reacquainted with Nashville SC, the Plain Sister of MLS

C'mon. You have an opinion. All of you.

Thumbnail History
Nashville SC joined in the COVID season (2020), along with Inter Miami CF, but fate has made them the plain sister, or the unathletic brother to MLS's (for now) glamour boys. And they built their inaugural roster as if they'd had their fortunes told by an insurance agent. It started with anchoring the backline with Walker Zimmerman and the midfield with ferever-MLS vet, Dax McCarty; the front-office honchos filled out those two lines with still more familiar, imposing figures – e.g., Dave Romney and Daniel Lovitz in defense and Anibal Godoy in midfield. When it came to the offense, Nashville spent both big and wisely on one player – Hany Mukhtar, a future (and deserved) league MVP (2022) – but spent a couple seasons looking to squeeze more production than other teams got out of MLS journeymen like C. J. Sapong, Teal Bunbury, or even Alex Muyl and Fafa Picault. That’s not to say they haven’t tried to level up with bolder signings – e.g., I thought they’d landed a secondary scorer with winger Randall Leal, alas – but pinching pennies in the attack remains something of a tradition with Nashville. Against that, a good defense goes a long way toward getting reliable results and their formula had them making the playoffs every season since joining MLS, if sometimes only as a wild card, which, again, doesn’t count around here*…also, yes, wait for it. That made the consistent and, to be clear, there are worse things, but I don’t know that any meaningful collection of pundits and punters every genuinely believed they’d go anywhere in any post-season. Nashville didn’t even make the MLS Cup quarterfinals in Mukhtar’s 2022 super-season, though they did in 2021, aka, the one season where they scored well over the league average and I think there’s a lesson in that…

…and, no, things haven’t panned out on the implementation side, but I do think the Organization has tried to take it to heart. Hold that thought....

Total Joy Points: 3

How They Earned Them (& *How This Is Calculated, for Reference)
MLS Playoffs/Quarterfinals: 2020, 2021
Leagues Cup Runner-Up: 2023

Getting Reacquainted with Red Bull New York, MLS's Kings of Falling at the First Hurdle

To some, an insurmountable obstacle.

Thumbnail History
Born as the New York/New Jersey MetroStars (and with a logo inspired by, yet embarrassing on, the bottom of a skateboard), aka, Red Bull New York, aka, New Jersey’s finest soccer team, has always been a weird one – e.g., the first time they reached MLS Cup (2008), they made it on a run through MLS’s Western Conference. Despite later, praiseworthy successes (wait for it), few things have defined the MetroStars/Red Bull franchise like their franchise-long failure to take that final, winning step; the once-famous saying, “that’s so Metro” was coined for real and persistent reasons. Their Red Bull/energy-drink era started, both on and off the field, with the 2006 season and, setting aside second slap from the Wooden Spoon in 2009 (the first came in 1999), the deeper pockets and connections have moved the team in a…broadly positive direction. Playing in the nation’s biggest media market obliged them to swing bigger than most when signing players, even before the rebrand, and they have signed some infamous egos, er, players including Rafa Marquez and Lothar Mattheus, as well as some high-profile signings that didn’t quite hit – e.g., Youri Djorkaeff and maybe famous U.S. internationals like Tab Ramos and Claudio Reyna. Going the other way, they have launched a dozen or so famous careers for domestic stars. One could build the short list a couple ways, but I’m going with Jozy Altidore, Michael “Coach’s Son” Bradley, Tim Howard, Tim Ream, Tyler Adams, and Luis Robles (here's their all-time roster, so you can name your own). Those players provided the foundation for the big signings to finally pay off and that combination allowed them to put together some of the most consistent teams in league history – and notice I used the word “consistent,” as opposed to successful. Their best seasons started with the signing of French legend Thierry Henry and continued with Bradley Wright-Phillips – notably, one of the two players, with Robles, who was present for all three of the Supporters’ Shields the Red Bulls won between 2013 and 2018 – leading the line. Yes, it was raining Shields (Hallelujah!) over New Jersey through the mid-2010s. All that star-power relied on getting the supporting cast right and their Austrian brain-trust did with with players like Tim Cahill, Dax McCarty, (too briefly) Sacha Kljestan, and even Joel Lindpere, Garrin Royer, even deeper cuts like Sean Davis. Churning out a succession of rugged, successful defenders like Aaron Long, Jeff Parke, and even Marquez bought a succession of attacking units time to win games the Red Bulls otherwise would have tied. And yet, for all that consistency and success, the Red Bulls have never won a cup final. No, not even the U.S. Open Cup (runners-up twice, the last attempt in 2017). All that has made the Red Bulls the team that MLS fans know today – i.e., the one that qualifies for the playoffs every season, give or take a couple (even if all of those recent “wild card” performances don’t count on the Joy Points Scale).

Total Joy Points: 39

Getting Reacquainted with Nashville SC, the Proles of MLS

I'm very pro-labor, but this team needs more bosses.

[Standing Disclaimer: While I have watched…just a stupid amount of MLS over the years, I don’t watch the vast majority of games, never mind all of them. As such, it’s fair to take anything below that isn’t a hard number or a physical trophy as an impression, a couple steps removed.]

Thumbnail History

A bit dull, honestly, which pushes the devil to the details – i.e., see the Half Dozen Names to Know section below. They’ve made the playoffs every season since joining MLS and, if I’m being honest, I don’t really recall whether pundits and punters every genuinely believed they’d go anywhere in the post-season, never mind go big. A glance at the playoff brackets for each of their four seasons in the league argues against: Nashville SC made the conference semis in (weird) 2020 and 2021, but haven’t been able to clear the first round since (see 2022 and 2023). The best way to describe Nashville’s short history would be…a lot of that.

Best Season(s)

2021? I guess? That post-season saw Nashville roll Orlando City SC in the first round and push a solid Philadelphia Union team to the wall (aka, PKs) in the Eastern Conference semis. Heck, they even scored a goal in that one.

Long-Term Tendencies

Can confirm: 2021 was Nashville’s best season, an argument bolstered by the fact that they actually found a little headroom above the league scoring average for the first and, so far, only time – yessir, 55 goals scored against an MLS-wide average of 47.4. Their scoring has ranged from a whisker over the goals-for average in one other season, while falling a ways below in the other two. And that makes the secret to Nashville’s version of success…correct, stubborn, borderline immovable defenses from one season to the next – i.e., 10 goals below the average against in (a quite low-scoring (and, again, weird) 2020 season, a shade under 14 goals below in 2021, just over nine in 2022, and 15 in 2023. Balls that cannot be broken, basically.

Identity: the Proles of MLS

Joy Points: 4, aka, fuck it, it's a job and it pays the bills.

Getting Reacquainted with Red Bull New York, MLS's Ugly Duckling (And All That Means)

Pow.

[Standing Disclaimer: While I have watched…just a stupid amount of MLS over the years, I don’t watch the vast majority of games, never mind all of them. As such, it’s fair to take anything below that isn’t a hard number or a physical trophy as an impression, a couple steps removed.]

Thumbnail History
Born as the New York/New Jersey Metro Stars (and with a logo inspired by, yet embarrassing for, the bottom of a skateboard), Red Bull New York, aka, New Jersey’s finest soccer team, has always been a weird one – e.g., the one time they reached MLS Cup (2008), they made it by way of a run through MLS’s Western Conference. Despite later, praiseworthy successes (wait for it), the Red Bulls have been…haunted, I suppose(?), by a failure to take that final step – hence, the once-famous saying, “that’s so Metro.” Did that start over the earliest seasons when they missed the playoffs almost as often as they made them (they even felt the cruel caress of a Wooden Spoon in 1999), or when they seized their second Wooden Spoon in 2009 (yep! the season after their only MLS Cup)? I don’t know, honestly. What I do know is that the rebrand from MetroStars to Red Bull came in 2006, immediately before that sharp rise to and fall from glory. And yet, that second Wooden Spoon season aside, the Red Bulls became the team that MLS fans know today – i.e., the one that qualifies for the playoffs every single season (which, per one in-house source, is a sportz record). They’ve crossed that threshold with a heavy limp, at times, and more lately than before (i.e., four of the past five seasons). In some ways, that has become the Red Bulls new normal…

Best Season(s)
It’s gotta be one of the three seasons that Red Bull won the Supporters’ Shield, so that’s 2013, 2015 and 2018. All that started with the arrival of France/Arsenal legend Thierry Henry, but he was only around for the 2013 Shield and probably mattered most in terms of creating a culture of success and/or embracing the full potential of having one of the world’s most famous cities (NYC) as a recruitment draw. Only two big-name players were present for all three Shields, both of whom belong on the MLS all-time lists for me: Luis Robles, one of the more underrated goalkeepers in MLS history, and Bradley Wright-Phillips, one of the best pure, poaching goal-scorers the league has ever seen. Midfield machine Dax McCarty deserves honorable mention for being present for two of their Shields, but how much this succession of Red Bull teams rotated and still found good parts to replace the departing ones – e.g., Tim Cahill, Jamison Olave and Tim Cahill in 2013, Damien Perinelle, Sacha Kljestan and (why not?) Mike Grella in 2015, and Aaron Long, Sean Davis and Daniel Royer in 2018 - is more or less the story.

Nashville SC v Portland Timbers Preview: A Hall of Mirrors in Another House

Makes me wanna puke, too.

The Portland Timbers road form (1-4-4) lends a real "but for Providence Park" vibe to the Timbers 2022 season. On the plus side, they’re playing a team that has struggled to get all three points at home – yes, even lately. First, their numbers:

Nashville SC
Record/Basics: 7-5-5, 26 points, 2-1-3 home, 5-4-2 road; 22 gf, 19 ga, +3
Last 10: TLWLWTWTLW (4-3-3; 2-1-2 home; middling, but last 5 were pretty soft)
Oppo: @ SJ, @ LAG, v RSL, @ HOU, v MTL, v ATL, @ COL, v SJ, v SKC, @ DC

What We Know About Them
I have a misconception that Nashville’s struggling stuck in the back of my mind, but that probably looks at their 2022 through the refracted lens of their home games – more on that later. When most people think Nashville, they probably think Walker Zimmerman at the back, Dax McCarty (somehow still) steering traffic through the middle, and Hany Muhktar running loose up top/off that old war horse C. J. Sapong. And, yes, both have done well in 2022 (8 goals, 5 assists for Hany, 5 goals, 3 assists for Sapong; funny side note on Sapong, he’s still an every other year player). Other words that may come to mind: combative and counter-attacking.

All that has largely held up lately, if with a little less Zimmerman (see, qualifying, World Cup).

Notes on Recent Form
I haven’t seen a ton of Nashville this season – and this’ll be my first full 90 with them – so I’ll have to stretch the numbers a bit. That said, I’m expecting the way they create chances to have a fair resemblance to what they tried – and with some real success against Orlando City SC in their midweek U.S. Open Cup quarterfinal (here’s the MLS in 15 for your edification). Nashville came within three stoppage time minutes of winning that game and had a fair argument for the better team, but that was also another road game; their last two wins both came on the road (at Colorado Rapids and at DC United). When I look at their last three home games – against Atlanta, San Jose and SKC – I’d expect at least five-six points out them, and yet they managed just two. More to the point, they rarely see more of the ball, even at home, and they played arguably their worst game when they attempted possession – the home loss to SKC.

To flesh out the general profile, Nashville doesn’t create a ton of chances – they probably averaged 11 shots/game in their last 5-6 games – but they get a useful number of shots on goal out of it (e.g., around six). And they probably get away with it because they rarely let the opposition get to, never mind much over, a 1.0 xG.

MLS Off-Season Weekly: How MLS Cup Made Me Fear the Future, The U.S. Men, the Goodwill Bins Lottery

A depiction of how I relate to players. (Also, worlds collide.)

After a…was MLS Cup just last weekend, or is time running like those weird traffic patterns where it tightens and loosens for no obvious reason? For a visual, think what happens on I-5 around Nisqually sometimes – that’s as opposed to Tacoma, because the cause there is plain as day – but, to take today’s points chronologically, I’ll start with brief notes on MLS Cup…

I’m Worried About the Future, Barbara
Whilst live-tweeting MLS Cup, my partisan fever boiled over after the Seattle Sounders bounced an own-goal off Toronto’s Justin Morrow. “THEY DESERVE NOTHING,” I tweeted, or something to that effect, not least because TFC had looked better to that point, especially with the moments of tricky dribbling that forced shifts in Seattle’s defensive shape in midfield; Alejandro Pozuelo and Nicolas Benezet, in particular (plus a shout for Marky Delgado), kept Seattle within one mistake of giving up a goal for the first 60 minutes.

I hereby revise that tweet to say Kelvin Leerdamn did not deserve his goal (and that MLS’s website should fix it). The Sounders took over the game from that goal forward. Toronto never forced a telling mistake in Seattle’s defense, Stefan Frei stuffed the half-chances that came his way, and, as Seattle pushed its line of confrontation further up the field, Toronto’s attacks started to fail further from Seattle’s goal. The game ended when Seattle scored a deserved, and rather pretty, second goal. They'd score again, Toronto would salvage a little pride, but the 3-1 final score fairly reflected what happened out there.

Here, I have to raise my hand as one of the many self-appointed pundits who wrote Seattle off when Chad Marshall took his concussions and went home. The fact that they never put together an impressive run during the regular season obscured the strength of the Sounders’ homely-but-effective system, but, when you want to win a succession of one-off games, having a solid spine and an organized defense gets you over halfway there – and Seattle has enough talent to push that percentage past halfway.

Chicago Fire 1-2 FC Cincinnati: What Schweinsteiger Said

He knows...

Anyone unable to appreciate the full narrative satisfaction of Fanendo Adi giving FC Cincinnati the moment both he and the team needed very, very badly does not deserve spectator sports. I mean, you could write a movie about Adi’s season and end it on the moment where he sat cross-legged on the ground in clearly grateful prayer. Even I, who's agnostic on my more pious days, felt all of that. Something else to note here: that's Adi’s best attacking play; running onto a pass and hitting the ball first time toward (or, god forbid, on) goal. That’s how he scored his best goals with the Portland Timbers. Use it.

Happily, that rare positive act was enough to carry Cincinnati to a 2-1 road win over a disconnected and aimless Chicago Fire team. It took an unlikely, lucky goal to gain an early advantage (Fabian Herbers…dude) and Nico Gaitan struggling from the penalty spot to allow the game to play out as it did to let the result hold up, but it did. As noted by the guys in Chicago’s broadcast booth, the Fire did the balance of whatever “doing” happened in the second half – i.e., they dominated possession and “piled on the shots” – but it’s not often that the gap between shots (20) and shots on goal (7) tells the story of a game so well. For every opening Chicago created, they somehow squandered two of them (absurdity deliberate; I know math), whether by Aleksandar Katai wandering the world over to tee up a shot (when he might have done better to lift his head and look around) or by attacking runs that took the runner out of the play. (C. J. Sapong deserves exemption from that statement; he was one of the few Fire attackers to use his runs to create space for the players around him.)

As sometimes happens when I watch FC Cincy games, I found myself watching Chicago more than I watched them – especially in the second half. Not to take anything away from Cincinnati, because they succeeded in their primary task of staying organized and forcing Chicago to break them down. More often than not, this took the form of watching Chicago under-achieve.

At some point during the game, the suspended Bastian Schweinsteiger stepped into the broadcast both where Chicago’s commenters talked to him about the first half of Chicago’s season. When the conversation turned to the things that might have held them back this year, Schweinsteiger named some demons that plagued Chicago in this loss: not all eleven players showing up (only Francisco Calvo, Dax McCarty and Gaitan stood out as clear positives, kind of the point); issues with communication/coordination (the serial mistiming of passes to runs; by the end of the game, both McCarty and Gaitan resorted to angrily gesturing at teammates to fulfill their most basic functions) and a lack of intention and purpose among the attacking players (which most often manifested in “wings-‘n’ prayers” flails from range from far too many Chicago players). One could make a decent case that Cincinnati didn’t win this game, so much as Chicago lost it. Chicago’s 5-2-4 home record shows they do this (literally) more often than not - again, math: 6 not-fully successful home results > 5 fully-successful results – and, when you’re not winning on the road ever, you need three points at home to get anywhere.

Chicago Fire 2-0 Real Salt Lake: It's Just the Mistakes Sometimes

Smooth 'n' creamy.

Well, that was pretty straightforward: Real Salt Lake gifted the Chicago Fire a couple cock-ups, and did a more or less creditable job of keeping out RSL, if abetted by at least one shocking miss by Salt Lake’s Yura Movsisyan, who looks more like an MLS 2.0 guy with each outing. I’d call RSL’s attack more coherent – especially over about 30 minutes in the second half (and is that “tale of two halves thing just something observers don’t even have to note anymore? Doesn’t that seem closer to the norm than wire-to-wire dominance?) – but superior approach play doesn’t win a team games, no matter how superior.

So, that’s that: Chicago scored one weird goal (Nemanja Nikolic’s; Sunday “Sunny” Stephen ruined a pretty damn clear offside call by poking into his path) and a great, if preventable second on an Arturo Alvarez solo mission, and they walked off 2-0 winners. I tell you, man, Alvarez has been Chicago’s most consistent attacker since the middle of 2016. That said, big credit to Dax McCarty for the ball that forced Sunny’s error; cut through two lines like room temperature butter…

Some notes on both teams…like I said, I want to keed these things simple.

Timbers Tie Seattle, and a Theoretical Update on the U.S. Men

Mom/Caleb makes me walk away.

I know I said I wasn’t going to comment on any Portland Timbers preseason games until the two before the season. I also know that I’ve run out of ways to say, “MLS Team X picked up Player Y. I don’t know anything about Player Y, so this move feels Z.” (And that's been the staple of a lot of the Late Tackle posts). I still want to talk about soccer, so, in two parts, I’ll write what I’ve got about yesterday’s 1-1 draw between the Timbers and the Seattle Sounders; after that, I’ll close a couple notes on the state of the U. S. Men’s National Team. Or at least what it feels like after a short sample…

Speaking of short samples, and I say this with love, I never know how much heart and brainpower I should invest when the Timbers play the mix of trialists, draftees, T2 guys and players from the Siberia end of the bench. Even if I like what I see, what are the actual odds that I’ll see that player again? Like petting a puppy at a pet store, I tell you…

Meanwhile, on Seattle’s side of the ledger, they sent out one of the rare MLS line-ups that I greet with a rare, but literal and thorough, “who the fuck is that?” Anonymity notwithstanding, one of those guys forced a penalty kick and forced the tie. And, yeah, I know Harry Shipp, and best o’ luck to the poor bastard. He’s on the tough end of a chunky depth chart. (And, guys? That picture? The one on the team’s roster page? He looks like a still from an ISIS snuff video. Maybe do a re-shoot, yeah?)

To wrap up Seattle, that seems like a good place to start. So, they got that Swedish cat, Gustav Svensson, and he seems to lurk around the same part of the field where people got used to seeing Cristian Roldan last season, so what’s that mean when Osvaldo Alonso comes back? As much as I preach squad rotation, players can get restless watching and, before you know it, a guy like Roldan accidentally winds up in the bin marked “surplus to requirements,” and then what, y’know? Depth is good and all, and I support it; it can have consequences. That’s all.

The Late Tackle 01 17 2017: Youth/Player Movements

Caleb! Yo, Caleb! I found one!

Don’t know of any news from PTFC-Land (wait, no; the team picked up another but I did find an interesting little nugget of thought in Four Four Two’s fly-on-the-wall write-up for the Superdraft (now, is it “Superdraft” or “SuperDraft?” Don’t make me like this up). Here’s that:

“The reality is because we’ve had now four years to build and get experience, for me it was the time to start to move some young players in. We have enough experience now. So, it was a decision, myself, (Portland general manager) Gavin (Wilkinson) and (team owner) Merritt (Paulson), to make that youth movement. We felt we couldn’t lose getting any of the players in the top four, so that’s why we wanted to get into the top four. And we did, and we thought we got pretty good value.”

That’s Caleb Porter talking. Encouraging? Not encouraging? Delusional? Looks like the opposite of what they’re doing? You decide. Getting younger does sound good, though.

Looking elsewhere...

Timbers Lose to the Red Bulls: A Feel-Piece in Response

Yes, part of me thinks it's this easy.

Tonight's 2-0 loss was really, painfully simple. The Portland Timbers got outplayed by a better team. Period. So, what makes the New York Red Bulls a better team? That's the pisser. It's not that hard.

O.G. New York (my fan-boy name for that club) knows what they're doing when they have ball. They play out of trouble more effectively, and no matter where they are on the field; Red Bulls players provide better support; they create those useful little triangles by reflex, as opposed to any (apparent) design that allow their players to reliably move the ball out of danger, and get it going the other way, time and again. It didn't hurt that they beat the Timbers to damn near every piece of slop that shook loose, managed to get the requisite number of bodies behind the ball damn near every time, etc. etc. etc. But it was that piece of knowing what to do with the ball that mattered most tonight. Sure, sure, both of New York's goals relied on some form of lax defending, but New York made those chances by doing the right thing more often than not.

Unrelated, but significant, can Timbers fans please retire the "dodgy 'keeper" chant, or at least apply exclusively to those 'keepers it has a snowball's chance in Hell of rattling? Luis Robles, Jr. is not that guy. I speak for myself here, but I'd trade Adam Kwarasey, plus whoever serves as our back-up 'keeper these days for Robles. The guy is U.S. Men's National Team material, and has been for years; only Jurgen Klinsmann's profound, persistent asshole-ism/Brad Guzan keeps him out (well, yes, and his age). Need evidence? You got it.

Even without Robles pulling miracles out of his ass, Portland simply labored to get a shot on New York's goal. Too many shots came from a lack of ideas – i.e. a Timber would shoot out of a dearth of visible, or observed (as in, didn't see 'em), options. Darlington Nagbe wound up at least twice only to pummel the ball into the one or two New York defenders between him and the goal; same with Lucas Melano, Rodney Wallace, Diego Valeri...Will Johnson at least skied one off the bar, but I'm pretty sure he banged one into a red and white wall right along with the rest of 'em. It's a great idea, shooting from distance, and one I'm in favor of generally...just not when a trio of defensive players loiters in the way.

With all the above in mind, "intention" provides the theme for tonight – i.e. the sense that, unlike the Timbers, New York has a plan and some sense of how to execute it. That one goes deep, if only in my head. Why?

MLS Week 24 Shots 'n' Beers Review: Great Games, Bad Defense, and DP Theory

It was the Best of Times!

I think I'm finally there on a concept for these weekly reviews of Major League Soccer. I call this process, The Struggle. But enough about me. Why? Because MLS Week 24? It was goddamn nuts! To give it a name, it was the Week of Not-Giving-a-Shit Celebrations! As in, "why, yes, I'll take that yellow card you fun-sucking prick, because this shirt is coming off!!" Moving on to some random observations:

- The guy in the DC United replica shirt that said "Wine," has inspired me to get a Portland Timbers replica of my own that says either "Gin" or "Bourbon." Taking votes!

- If you listen closely after San Jose's goal, you’ll hear the Mexican commentating team freaking the Hell out. And it was like music.

- Related: was Paul Caligiuri let go by Univision/Mas? Don't they know that novel mispronunciations of players' names don’t grow on trees!?

- I really, really struggled with Shep Messing's broadcast partner who kept using the phrase, "ball defended away" to describe a defensive clearance.

Moral of the story: keep your eyes open during broadcasts, because there's always something out there....like the kid ball who stood behind (think it was the Houston Dynamo's) Tyler Deric fronting all the while. Moving on!

Next, it's time to record the games I took in this weekend. How much do my wife and kids hate me this week? Three! Three games worth of hate!

New York Red Bulls v. Toronto FC
Real Salt Lake v. Portland Timbers (written up here)
Sporting Kansas City v. Vancouver Whitecaps

I watched the rest in the usual 20-minute, bite-sized format. Right, may as well start the review in precisely the same way I'm starting to type: with a Shot...which, here, means a great summation of the week/weekend just past (hat-tip: Series of Unfortunate Events).

Portland Timbers Missed Opportunities: The One Everyone Knows. And the Other One.

Wait, is this really my opening argument on Gaston Fernandez?

Gaston Fernandez wasn't directly involved in my strongest memory of his time with the Portland Timbers. That came courtesy of a guy who slotted into seats next to what were once my season tickets (which have now been passed on to, in my estimation, the best season ticket holder in the history of the species, if not the genus). During some random game in 2014, as the starting line-ups played out over the loudspeakers, the various sets of fans around me got to talking and arguing about each player as his name was called. When Fernandez name came up, I leaned over to the guy next me (a friend, btw; not some random guy) and said something to the effect of, "Yeah, he's not doing it for me so far."

Hearing this, The Guy Who Slotted Into the Seats Next to Mine (now his official name) leaned over to tell me (not a friend, btw; a random guy) and said, "He puts the ball in the back of the net." Not being the kind to let an argument go unchallenged - and, goddamn that horrible Mockney accent - I pointed out some of Fernandez's apparently hidden deficiencies. The Guy Who Slotted Into the Seats Next to Mine replied by shaking his head and repeating, "He puts the ball in the back of the net." And again with the Mockney...

That guy really bugged me that night. And for a couple nights after. I got over it, though, and realized he's a damned enthusiastic, very friendly guy. All in all, very likeable. Turns out I'm the dick. So, yeah, that thing about first impressions? Basically bullshit.

Getting back to Fernandez, no, I didn't get his game. That's to say, if you put a gun to my head and demanded that I pick Fernandez's best spot on the field...well, put it this way, the time it took for things to turn to me laying dead on the floor depends entirely on my ability to stall. That said, I can readily offer up an idea of what comes to mind when I think of Fernandez: those two or three (or maybe four or five) goals he scored early in 2014 when he kept on magically appearing on the back post, in the 'keeper's blind-spot, to tap in a shot from, at most, two yards out. I think that's what The Guy Who Slotted Into the Seats Next to Mine was thinking when he said what he did.

New York Red Bulls 2015 Season Preview: Does Drama Central Quiet Down?

Whither Dear Henry? Whither belov'd Petke?

What Happened Last Year
It sucks to admit it, but, yes, for the New York Red Bulls, 2014 was the Year of Thierry Henry. Speculation as to whether he would retire after the season was flat-out insane for the second half of it. Henry justified a lot of that hype and hand-wringing by turning in what can only be applauded as pivotal play on the field. From all of that, however, I admired nothing so much as this 37-year-old man's yeoman work in the second leg of their playoff series against the New England Revolution. Even more badass? His short, sharp answer as to whether he would play on New England's turf for that second leg. The man earned his accolades. Red Bull proved to be the big club they strove to be for a couple other reasons last season: Bradley Wright-Phillips near-miss on breaking the single-season scoring record sucked up plenty of ink; in a nice touch for the domestic soccer press, so did the quietly effective midfield pairing of Dax McCarty and Eric Alexander. It was a little tempting to run with that mildly anonymous element, but New York (let's use that name loosely while we still can) still had some bright light, big names last season in Jamison Olave and Tim Cahill. Then again, it speaks to something else that one of these players logged major minutes by year's end, while another did not. Red Bull accomplished what it did in 2014 through a pretty clear-headed brand of pragmatism. And one guy, in particular, had a lot to do with that.
Final Stats: 13-10-11, 50 pts, 4th in the East; 55 gf, 50 ga

What's Happened Since
An end to pragmatism for one. Also, a wholesale discarding of high-profile designated players (DPs). To say Red Bull went through some changes between 2014 and 2015 amounts to dismissing a tornado warning as the thing tears through one's kitchen. The Mike Petke firing was, quite possibly, the biggest shit-storm in MLS history (wait for it...a strike now would top it). That said, the transition to a lighter DP load changes the club quite a bit as well – i.e. lose Henry, Olave, and, his 2014 production notwithstanding, Cahill in a single off-season and your club has some serious work to do. So, what has Red Bull done? Well, their biggest off-season coup has to be signing Sacha Kljestan, for whom, let the record show, I'm more or less a complete whore. This being New York – e.g. Drama Central - the trade that paved the road for Kljestan's arrival rankled a bundle of feathers: Alexander had proved himself (to the notice of too few), but the ensuing, messy parting of Ambroise Oyongo somehow struck deeper at the time. New York picked up Felipe Martins going the other way and, for what it's worth, I like that pick-upgiven Peguy Luyindula's Henry-esque age. They have some depth pick-ups besides – see: Baptiste, Andrew-Jean, the re-signing of Damien Fontane...Perrinelle, and the weird, wily acquisition of Leo Stolz. Say what you will, but this is not a club that does things by half.

What to Expect This Year
New York ranked highly as they did on the list of clubs that interest me because, more than most MLS clubs, they can break either way in 2015. Henry is a massive loss, without question, but a player with that level of gravity, no matter how wholly justified, dictates how you play the game. It's possible the Mighty Frenchman's departure frees the club to attack through more channels (though it's not like New York did horribly attacking down Sam's right). Personally, I have high hopes for a...how does this work, getting McCarty, Kljestan and Felipe onto the field all at once? Does this require a 3-5-2 with….surely not Stolz as an anchor d-mid? The point is, New York has a highly intriguing season ahead, even if not for the right reasons. That said, I'm sure of two things: 1) Wright-Phillips will not (by his own admission) push to break the record again; 2) what continuity they have will buy their success in 2015. I can’t believe I got this far into a preview of Red Bull without saying either "Luis" or "Robles," but I rate the shit out of that goalkeeper.

Overall
Red Bull has good parts. I even rate most of the new guys. They also have chaos. So, why the hell is Ali Curtis on a one-year contract?

My Highly Specific, Perhaps Impossible, Recommendation for the Portland Timbers Day at the Superdraft

C'mon, it's totes worth it.

This will be the one and only post about tomorrow’s Major League Soccer (MLS) Superdraft. It focuses on the team I know best, the Portland Timbers: their wants, their needs, their dreams and all that’s keeping them from all three. Sure, I wish I had the chops for a global Superdraft preview, or, god forbid, one of those mock-draft thingies. That’s hard to pull off, however, when articles on the Combine and the Superdraft read like little more than a list of names, some repeating more than others.

I did find one novel, if broad, idea about the Superdraft in general tucked inside an article about new Houston Dynamo head coach Owen Coyle’s Combine experience:

"It’s a great question. Our first pick is at pick No. 8 and I think ultimately, for me, I would look to pick the best player available, the best player at that moment. The other thing with that, you’ve got to understand, these lads aren’t the finished product. You really are looking at potential."

That looks at the Combine/draft process with fresh eyes and assumptions, which I like. Most of the discussion I come across speaks in terms of teams finding players to fill holes in their rosters. That said, I get it: the purpose of the academies is to find players earlier, develop them and claim the same via exclusive rights. Then again, what’s wrong with finding a 20-dollar bill on the sidewalk? What, you’re too good to stoop for a $20?

Anyway, March to the Match touched on something similar to all the above – e.g. the history of finding value in the Superdraft, the rise of the academies, etc. etc. Before they got to that, though, they reviewed The Armchair Analyst’s mock-draft. He got to what the Timbers should do with their No. 5 spot around the 28-minute mark…which makes for a nice transition...

Now, personally, I’d love it if Portland followed Mr. Coyle’s advice. Not that I can name any names because, unlike in years past, MLSsoccer.com opted against airing full games from the Combine. (Ah, the memories of watching Joao Plata light up his Combine, or current Portland player Schillo Tshuma's respectable appearance in (was it?) last year’s event. That gave anyone willing to be patient with the quiet stadia and subdued commentary a chance to know these players.) Without being able to watch these young bucks in a contextual habitat, we got nothin’. And so I bury Mr. Coyle’s advice with regret and turn to thinking about what the Timbers need and how best to get it.

The Timbers picked up some players this off-season, which (potentially) plug holes/provide cover at goal-keeper, left back and right wing. I don’t know what to expect from these guys, but coping with the growing pains of last year’s pair of Argentines (Gaston Fernandez and Norberto Paparrato) suggests skepticism as a default. Whatever they do, though, these new players are there and they’ll get a run (probably), so let’s shift to the positions on the field where Portland still needs some cover. For me, those would be central defense, central midfield (deep-mid, in particular), and forward.

To start with the obvious, it’s highly unlikely that we’ll find anyone in the Superdraft capable of providing major minutes in 2015. That sucks because, as I see it, we need cover in central midfield...circa now. Like any normal person, I hate waiting on this shit, especially with Will Johnson and Diego Valeri gimping around for the first few months of 2015...wait, no. Potential, man! Focus on potential!

Doyle’s draft preview for the Timbers (the url for which, it must be noted, ends with "armchair anal") picked two of the same spots I did: central defense and central midfield (that is, he didn’t mention forwards). When his mock draft forced push to meet shove, Doyle had Portland pick Conor Donovan, a central defender out of North Carolina State (go back to the 28th minute of the podcast for that). That fills a need without question: last year’s shitty, unending nightmare of goals given away both willy and nilly scarred us all. So, yes, this makes sense...but is it too safe? Moreover, I think the Timbers need help back there right now, so I’d rather see the team look outside the Superdraft for established players to both start and cover. So, unless this Donovan guy can step in a la Stevie Birnbaum, I vote Portland looks a little further up the field when weighing the draft options.

As much as I’m not sold on all of our forwards – i.e. Maximiliano Urruti’s the only one I really like, though I’m excited to see what Fanendo Adi can do over a full season – I think Portland’s deeper, long-term need comes in central midfield. I’ve heard positive chatter on more than a few players – Dan Metzger, Leo Stolz, and Cristian Roldan to name a few that stuck, though I hear Stolz ain’t interested (in here...somewhere); I only wish I knew more about them. The kind of player I’d kill to see in a Timbers uniform is a solid ball-winner/passer – e.g. the kind of metronome player Portland had only for that brief splitting moment (was it even a day?) when they had Dax McCarty. He went off to the New York Red Bulls, as everyone knows, and that was that. Anyway, one article had interesting things to say about Metzger (the words "hack" and "feed" both appear in his bio...but we’ve already got Diego Chara for the former), so there’s that...

The Timbers already have a pair of box-to-box guys in Will Johnson and Chara and that suggests the need for some new skill set - and we ain't getting it from Ben Zemanski. So, yeah, I’d really like to Portland find and groom the kind of midfielder described above, a somewhat-specific player of which I’ve heard, yet rarely seen. If he's in the Superdraft, that's what I’m after. So, uh, anyone think we can trade for Wil Trapp?