How to Avoid the Impact: A Primer to Montreal v. Portland (and Week 10 Previews)

Ah, high school lit....great goddamn short story.

Yessir, Major League Soccer officially hits double digits this weekend. Yep, one step closer to all of the players taking the field in these games wearing the importance of occasion like the ability/beauty impediments from Harrison Bergeron. Soon, we'll see how they cope...

This week, like every week, begins with the preview for the game closest to home: the Portland Timbers' visit to the wilds of French Canadia (no typo). Once that's done, I'll touch briefly on the rest of the games for the weekend ahead, as in, what the Hell is UP, MLS, with this Tuesday game bullshit? (Not that anyone watched that one; Houston Dynamo v. San Jose Earthquakes...shudder.) There's also a game on tonight, of course. It could very well be going on as I type this. I'm talking about Real Salt Lake v Los Angeles Galaxy. Let the record show that, sight unseen (seriously; I don't lie about this stuff), I'm calling this one a dreary 1-0 for LA. Feel good about that, seeing is this one's like a game on a cloudy night (e.g. no stars). (Almost happened, it turns out; I just saw a headline that said LA got Rimando'd. HA!)

Anyway, on the main event. Well, for some of us...

Montreal Impact v. Portland Timbers
Large parts of Quebec are terra incognita to most folks, even most Quebecois I reckon. I mean, have you seen the friggin' province? Goes on forever, I tell you. And that's fitting, in a way, seeing as, more than any other MLS club, Montreal is this year's undiscovered team. Setting aside the CONCACAF Champions' League (CCL), Montreal has played just four league games this 2015. They didn't do well in those, obviously, hence the whole "bottom of the table" business. And yet, all those games in hand can spell opportunity. Had one watched nothing but Montreal in the first leg of the CCL final, he/she would be thinking, holy crap that's a lock-down defense and that Piatti guy (first name, Ignacio) is one lethally-weaponized sneaky shit. On the other hand, if one watched the second leg, the second half in particular, he/she would think the Impact couldn't defend a punch from a toddler.

Tonight, I set out to educate myself on the Montreal Impact, at least to the extent (literally) possible (because, time). So, I sat down to watch condensed versions of Montreal's last three games in MLS. Which comes perilously close to taking in Montreal's entire oeuvre. At any rate, here is what I learned...

MLS Week 8 Previews: Seattle v. Portland, The Thrilla in Vanilla! (And the other games)

Exciting.

Week 8 has already kicked off, by now, but there's plenty of MLS soccer ahead this weekend. Topping the bill this weekend, The Only Game That Matters, The Thrilla in Vanilla, yep, that's right, Seattle Sounders FC v. Portland Timbers.

And, to all those other rivalries out there, you're doing it wrong. (Kidding (inspired by #3). I enjoy everything about Seattle v. Portland, but I couldn't give less of a shit about that stuff.)

With that out of the way, it’s preview time.

Seattle Sounders FC v. Portland Timbers
For starters, the gap between how I see the Portland Timbers and how other (maybe) smart(er), and definitely better-connected observers see them has the noodles that make up my brain unraveling a little. The team I watched fumbled all over that tiny Yankee Stadium pitch with all the grace and confidence of a teenage boy (or me) trying to undo a bra (look, it's not my long suit). Portland eventually got to what NYCFC couldn't – e.g. bumbling the ball over the line – so they won. Even the one thing the Timbers did well didn't look so graceful. Yeah, yeah, Adam Kwarasey won Save of the Week (start watching about 1:10 in there). I mean, that's a no-look save in the end (the vote is rigged; stupid democracy). The man flinched. (Not judging; I would have flinched and squealed.)

While not everyone saw the game - and see the Timbers' season as a whole - differently, enough people do to make me question my perspective and/or sanity. To me the Timbers look like a eleven guitar players simultaneously playing eleven different solos. Calmer people answer back with numbers – e.g. the Armchair Analyst reminding me of Darlington Nagbe's impressive chance creation statistics, followed by the Soccer Made in Oregon noting that Nagbe created as many chances in the second half against New York City FC as a lot of players do in an entire game.

But, damn me if I can't stop evil, doubting questions from popping into my head: what, exactly, does "chances created" mean? What's a "chance"? Portland v. NYCFC didn't feature a ton of clear openings.

Basically, the whole week has felt like everyone telling me the sky is orange, while all I see when I look up is blue. All that has me of a mind to take a different approach to the preview this week, say, weighing Portland's constituent parts against Seattle's constituent parts and seeing how they stack up. Here goes:

MLS Previews: NYCFC v. Portland Timbers. And All That.

It's ON!

Right, preview time. Major League Soccer (MLS), Week 7. Let's see if this week finally makes sense of anything. Just going to jump right in with the main attraction (for the locals). Yea, the last shall be first. Pretty sure that’s in the Bible.

New York City FC v. Portland Timbers
(Sunday, April 19, 4 p.m.)
I have just taken in New York City FC's (NYCFC's) last three games in form of a delicious, condensed paste. The following is my report.

Scouting New York City FC
NYCFC's opposition over the past three games has been, to put it metaphorically, the stuff that the cream rises above: the Colorado Rapids, Sporting Kansas City, and the Philadelphia Union. Two of those teams have worn the "League-worst" label at some point during this brief 2015 season; in fact, Manchester Jr. (aka, NYCFC), faced the Rapids during a stretch when their goal-scoring slump was simultaneously record-breaking and allergic. In that time, New York's second team put together a 0-2-1 record. And that basically makes them New Jersey, right?

In NYCFC's defense, they played one of those games during an international break, which robbed them of Adam Nemec (meh); that same week, I think an injury/suspension/whatever robbed them of their marquee player/attraction, David Villa, plus a couple other guys who may or may not matter (Sebastian Valesquez and Shawn Facey). When KC came to visit that week, well, to put it unkindly, the Missouri club faced a team smack in the middle of the MLS median. New York fielded the average of the average, players like Andrew Jacobson, Mehdi Ballouchy, Jason Hernandez, Patrick Mullins, and even Ned Grabavoy. I can name some other names besides (say, Jason Hernandez and Chris Wingert), and, personally, I rate all those players as somewhere between quality (Grabavoy, Wingert, and Hernandez) and solid depth (Jacobson and Ballouchy). They lost to KC that night, if narrowly, but, to borrow a cliché, KC can’t score in a brothel with bank-roll, so there's that.

Timbers v. Orlando City Preview; All MLS Preview. PREVIEWS!!

Y'know, I do see the likeness...

Just like every week, I'm trying something new this week. Sure, the Review/Preview served a purpose, but, a brief acknowledgement aside, we're deep enough into the Major League Soccer (MLS) season to be past that. In other words, past the briefest look back at the Portland Timbers previous week's outing, I'll turn my attention to what counts: the team that's a-comin' to town (or, in other weeks, that the Timbers will visit) in the weekend ahead.

After that I'll pass on some quick (promise!) thoughts about the MLS games for upcoming weekend. This space is going full preview, basically. Well, after rounding up the past week's Portland Timbers talk.

It starts with some good-esque news (and old news by now): Diego Valeri is almost, sorta kinda in full training (savor that picture, people, and memories of better, simpler days). As for the rest, the tiny sampling of the Timbers community I visit turned in a muddled sample – which was, perhaps, a mechanism used to cope with the confusing sensation of a first win. One popular statistic pointed to the Timbers' superior capacity for bouncing back after a loss. What stuck out most for me, though, even if I didn't state it directly as I would have liked in the second draft, was how well Portland defended – and all over the field. Other people caught this too (see those links, plus parts of #2). Some players came in for some well-deserved praise, whether it's right back Jorge Villafana, or a much-improved outing for Timbers 'keeper, Adam Kwarasey; MotM fixture Darlington Nagbe picked up the usual praise, but it was nice to see a quiet, solid pro like Villafana get another nod in another space. (Personal Note: someone who joined me for last weekend's game kept referring to Villafana as "George." I liked that.)

The big, satisfying take-away from all that is that Portland will be hard to beat. Now, time to measure that against this weekend's opponent, Orlando City SC. I've seen them 1 1/2 times in 2015. And courtesy of MLSLive's ABSOLUTELY FUCKING WONDERFUL "CONDENSED GAME" FEATURE THAT I ONLY JUST FOUND OUT I HAVE, I was able to take 20+ minute look at Orlando in action. Here's what I saw in that 20+, plus a little of what I know.