MLS Divine Comedy, Week 8: A Shooting Gallery and Its Victims

Not pictured: RSL, Philly, and NYCFC.

It is a sincere relief to approach this big Major League Soccer Week 8 wrap without leading it with a big, explanatory preamble on post mechanics. It's all soccer below. Specifically, you'll see me play god with each of MLS's clubs, sorting them, by their actions or lack thereof, among The Saved (those in Heaven), The Damned (those cast down to Hell, yea), and...those just biding their time while they wait for The Big Level Up (Purgatory)...which reminds me: does anyone go from Purgatory to Hell? Any Catholics out there? Little help?

Some quick notes on the weekend: I'm calling this one the Shooting Gallery Weekend. Scores blew up all over with a couple clubs winding up on the wrong side of an offensive beating. The New England Revolution roughed up Real Salt Lake something fierce at home and they posted the score-line to show it; the Chicago Fire did the same to New York City FC, but, there, the numbers lie, because the Fire could have put up 10 in that one (NOTE: small exaggeration); then there was the slow-bleed that Columbus Crew SC inflicted on the Philadelphia Union: put another way, sometimes they couldn't miss the beating, other times, it slipped in like a thin little shiv; either way, a lot of clubs endured flat-out demoralizing losses during the Week 8 weekend.

Then there was Sporting Kansas City v. Houston Dynamo, an affair that featured both clubs punching even and wild with the Houston Dynamo...even if KC got a little help from the referee that let them sneak in a crucial rabbit punch.

One other, general observation: first, go to the Results Map (aka, My Favoritest Thing in the Whole World); next, move your cursor through all the games each and every MLS club has up to the 16th game of their season. My point is that, by the 16th game of the season, just about everyone should have a pretty goddamn good idea where the club stands. Yeah, yeah, that sounds facile, even random. Bear with me: look at each of those games and really consider where each of the clubs are right now that any given will face in the weeks between here and Game 16. Well, Game 17, actually. As I look at it, it's a helluva a sample for all concerned. More on that later…

Sounders v. Timbers. On Being Proud (Because You Have To)

Off camera: 7 other toddlers on their cans.

First of all, holy shit, was that a boring, boring, boring game. Cascadia "Clash" my considerably hairy ass (no image). One can find twice the intensity at Sunday afternoon croquet amongst toddlers.

For the first time ever, Seattle Sounders fans and Portland Timbers fans have something in common: the experience of watching two teams do absolutely everything in their power to not fail. Yes, this was the equivalent of watching your five-year-old learn to ice skate. All you non-parents out there, cherish this moment, maybe take a still from the game and post on your refrigerator. How boring was it? (Your answer: "I don't know!"). The referee concocted fouls just so he could dish out a couple yellow cards for something to do.

Anyone who watched knows the game's one and only turning point: one long throw, one soft shot by Seattle's Andy Rose, which was followed by Portland's Adam Kwarasey pattng the ball over his body and nearly into the goal like some kind of misguided kitten; I think Clint Dempsey claimed it, which only goes to prove the point that forwards are shameless as Hollywood starlets. In the end, the game ended in a 1-0 Seattle win.

I'll keep my comments on the Sounders short: if you're proud of that one, you're dyed rave green down to the roots of your wool. That's to say, you’re the kind of person who joins cults. Speaking of, did you know that your personal path to enlightenment starts with buying me a Mercedes? I'm happy to take checks.

Now, to turn to the Timbers...jesus, where to begin? I know! With bullet points!

MLS Week 8 Previews: Seattle v. Portland, The Thrilla in Vanilla! (And the other games)

Exciting.

Week 8 has already kicked off, by now, but there's plenty of MLS soccer ahead this weekend. Topping the bill this weekend, The Only Game That Matters, The Thrilla in Vanilla, yep, that's right, Seattle Sounders FC v. Portland Timbers.

And, to all those other rivalries out there, you're doing it wrong. (Kidding (inspired by #3). I enjoy everything about Seattle v. Portland, but I couldn't give less of a shit about that stuff.)

With that out of the way, it’s preview time.

Seattle Sounders FC v. Portland Timbers
For starters, the gap between how I see the Portland Timbers and how other (maybe) smart(er), and definitely better-connected observers see them has the noodles that make up my brain unraveling a little. The team I watched fumbled all over that tiny Yankee Stadium pitch with all the grace and confidence of a teenage boy (or me) trying to undo a bra (look, it's not my long suit). Portland eventually got to what NYCFC couldn't – e.g. bumbling the ball over the line – so they won. Even the one thing the Timbers did well didn't look so graceful. Yeah, yeah, Adam Kwarasey won Save of the Week (start watching about 1:10 in there). I mean, that's a no-look save in the end (the vote is rigged; stupid democracy). The man flinched. (Not judging; I would have flinched and squealed.)

While not everyone saw the game - and see the Timbers' season as a whole - differently, enough people do to make me question my perspective and/or sanity. To me the Timbers look like a eleven guitar players simultaneously playing eleven different solos. Calmer people answer back with numbers – e.g. the Armchair Analyst reminding me of Darlington Nagbe's impressive chance creation statistics, followed by the Soccer Made in Oregon noting that Nagbe created as many chances in the second half against New York City FC as a lot of players do in an entire game.

But, damn me if I can't stop evil, doubting questions from popping into my head: what, exactly, does "chances created" mean? What's a "chance"? Portland v. NYCFC didn't feature a ton of clear openings.

Basically, the whole week has felt like everyone telling me the sky is orange, while all I see when I look up is blue. All that has me of a mind to take a different approach to the preview this week, say, weighing Portland's constituent parts against Seattle's constituent parts and seeing how they stack up. Here goes:

MLS Midweek 3 X 5: Small Montreal's Mad Night and the Ballad of Eddie Johnson

Yea, let him fumbleth the ball.

Time to wrap up Major League Soccer's Week 7 with some deeper observations of trends, teams, and realities. Think I'll call it "MLS Week __, 3 Big Ideas, Five Small Thoughts." The goal is to add this to the weekly post rotation, which, happily, is finally taking shape.

Before getting into those, I do get in a little reading during the week, plus a couple podcasts. The insights I pick up in those readings serve as a nice corrective to my Divine Comedy/Rankings posts, which I very deliberately (or at least very deliberately intend) to post before taking in other people’s thoughts and opinions. It’s sort of an external bullshit detector. With that in mind, I’ll kick off this post with...

The Department of Corrections
Most of my blown calls reside where I do – e.g. the Pacific Northwest. First, Vancouver: a league-leading record and near-universal good opinion strongly suggests that my resistance to their early-2015 success has tip-toed into perversity. A couple podcasts (ExtraTime Radio's and SBI's) pointed out the obvious: in basic terms, the 'Caps play more conservatively on the road and open it up at home like, uh, all smart teams do; in other words, see the win over the Los Angeles Galaxy for their top-end and take keep those four road games (three of them wins) in perspective. Speaking of perspective, the Portland Timbers. My Portland Timbers. Why that win over New York City FC – again, "that win" - got me on the ledge (i.e. prompted me to "abandon all hope," as I did in the Week 7 Divine Comedy) I'll never know. Several people with a little more distance had the perspective to observe that a win, no matter how ugly, works like a savings account. Those three points your club barely earned will still be there if/when the results pick up because, say, a key player comes back from injury and gets the attack going, or maybe the defense full incorporates two new players in crucial positions. So, yeah, I got a little unhinged. The rare feedback I got (I don't get a lot) tells me I'm not alone in my frustration, but, yes, I over-reacted. To a win.

OK, on the main event!

The MLS Divine Comedy, Week 7

Philadelphia? Hello, and sorry. To the left, please.

For Week 7, I decided to return to, but re-name, the whole "Sinking, Swimming, Treading Water" concept. Thought I'd reference the classics instead, with an homage to Dante's Divine Comedy: going forward, these posts will divide MLS's clubs between Heaven, Hell and Purgatory. That distinction is self-explanatory, yeah? And the arrangement should last even through the playoffs – that is, a club can remain in Purgatory in the post-season, for no man* resides in Heaven till he hoists MLS Cup! I’m keeping Hell pretty small and that's less about me feeling all New Testament, than about the passage to the playoffs seeming very much wide open. Good works and grace have nothing on stupid parity and the stupid playoff format.

(* Here, "man" shall mean, exclusively, a male professional soccer player, who plies his trade in the officially recognized domestic North American Division 1 soccer league, dba, popularly MLS.)

As happens more often than I should admit, the past weekend didn't come together so smoothly. I made it through only two games in their entirety:

Seattle Sounders v. Colorado Rapids
New York City FC v. Portland Timbers

With that entered into the record, I did watch the first 30 minutes of FC Dallas v. Toronto FC, it struck me as indecent to watch Nick Hagglund suffer more, not unlike Noah's daughters who wisely took a pass on seeing him rolling around all drunk and naked. The rest of the games I took through MLS Live's condensed matches – which, again, I can't recommend enough. Once again, the number in parentheses after each team's name records how many times I've spent/suffered the full 90 with it. I'll do better in catching full games going forward. Probably. The heart's in it.

The summaries for each team will be shorter than previously. All the detail stuff I once tried to work in – e.g. flagging some player, a trend, or a concept that's in the air or on my mind – will go over to a mid-week post going forward. That'll be me making sense of the week.

On the Portland Timbers Dirty, Dirty Win Over New York City FC

I've got....two tickets to Paradise!

I don't want those three points, not without taking a shower before and after the Portland Timbers take them. If today's filthy McNasty 1-0 win over New York City FC proves anything it's that a win can feel sleazier than even a craven loss. I felt bad after the loss to Orlando City SC, but I'm still groping for the word that captures the essence of this win. That said, "groping" gets in the general ball-park – especially when prefaced with the word "unwanted."

I kept seeing the same word today the few times I checked my Twitter feed: "ineffectual." That must have applied to New York alone, who surely compiled an impressive edge over the Timbers on possession (wow, 54.3% to 47.7%? Bullshit. I demand a recount!). New York slipped through Portland's midfield like cones on the practice pitch for much of the game; the Timbers let them do it with defending that either fell between, or combined, unfortunate adjectives like passive and reactive. While yelling at the screen, the most I could sputter out was "someone?"

The real pisser here is that, per the proud tradition of "full internationals" (still called "friendlies" thank god; the marketing guys don't always win), the Portland Timbers faced New York side without their money-men, players like David Villa, Mix and Adam Nemec. (OK, the last guy is a stretch; in the meantime, raise your hand if you think Frank Lampard might never come.) Yes, the Timbers squeezed out that turd of a win against New York’s B-team. Portland made Andrew Fucking Jacboson look EPL-ready, people. They made rookie Khiry Shelton look like a goddamn star (and you did Oregon State U. damn proud, kid).

My personal silver lining begins and ends with Timbers' 'keeper Adam Kwarasey. He had one shaky moment – a cross inside the six that he didn’t go to, but still caught – but at least two of those five saves kept the Timbers in long enough to bungle in the abomination later re-named the game-winning goal. Still, Kwarasey is growing into his role, not just making saves, but taking better command of his area. He's not barking orders nearly enough for my liking, but he came out effectively, and often enough, that he’s my one shining light on tonight's game. Literally.

MLS Previews: NYCFC v. Portland Timbers. And All That.

It's ON!

Right, preview time. Major League Soccer (MLS), Week 7. Let's see if this week finally makes sense of anything. Just going to jump right in with the main attraction (for the locals). Yea, the last shall be first. Pretty sure that’s in the Bible.

New York City FC v. Portland Timbers
(Sunday, April 19, 4 p.m.)
I have just taken in New York City FC's (NYCFC's) last three games in form of a delicious, condensed paste. The following is my report.

Scouting New York City FC
NYCFC's opposition over the past three games has been, to put it metaphorically, the stuff that the cream rises above: the Colorado Rapids, Sporting Kansas City, and the Philadelphia Union. Two of those teams have worn the "League-worst" label at some point during this brief 2015 season; in fact, Manchester Jr. (aka, NYCFC), faced the Rapids during a stretch when their goal-scoring slump was simultaneously record-breaking and allergic. In that time, New York's second team put together a 0-2-1 record. And that basically makes them New Jersey, right?

In NYCFC's defense, they played one of those games during an international break, which robbed them of Adam Nemec (meh); that same week, I think an injury/suspension/whatever robbed them of their marquee player/attraction, David Villa, plus a couple other guys who may or may not matter (Sebastian Valesquez and Shawn Facey). When KC came to visit that week, well, to put it unkindly, the Missouri club faced a team smack in the middle of the MLS median. New York fielded the average of the average, players like Andrew Jacobson, Mehdi Ballouchy, Jason Hernandez, Patrick Mullins, and even Ned Grabavoy. I can name some other names besides (say, Jason Hernandez and Chris Wingert), and, personally, I rate all those players as somewhere between quality (Grabavoy, Wingert, and Hernandez) and solid depth (Jacobson and Ballouchy). They lost to KC that night, if narrowly, but, to borrow a cliché, KC can’t score in a brothel with bank-roll, so there's that.