MLS Divine Comedy: Week 10: Losers Looking More Clear

Some weekends, a man just can't get in enough games to feel fully up-to-date and informed. And sometimes it's MLS Live that thwarts the effort, courtesy of the perhaps overly-expansive black-out on the national broadcast games (C'mon, guys; 48 hours? Srsly?) Some weekends, it's Mother's Day. There's probably an overlap somewhere in there...

In editorial notes, I'm going to goose this post's content going forward. The main shift will be to dub three results the most important of the week just passed. (Also going against past practice, I'll resist over-elaborating what I mean by that.) The other piece to that will be saying less about each club as I explain how I sorted each between Heaven, Hell and Purgatory. I'm tweaking with a good formula mentally, so that'll probably start next week. Hell, this could shift to straight-up power rankings by then...calling 'em "power rankings" means one less thing to explain.

With the busy weekend schedule seriously limiting the time I could ignore everyone to stare at TV/computer screens, I took in only two full games over Week 10:

Montreal Impact v. Portland Timbers
DC United v. Sporting Kansas City

I was gonna watch the shit out of the New York...derby? Soccerwarz? (Just drop me a line when everyone agrees on a name.) All I know is MLSLive has a crappy, frustrating interface...and, again, the stupid national broadcast thing, with the attendant deviant sex acts for the stupid, parasitic cable companies, plays its twisted, market-averse role in all this. That said, that game looked awesome!! Just intense as hell on the field and all Sound and Fury in the stands. The early (probably justified) sending off of the Red Bulls' Matt Miazga didn't hurt (and all the glorious pro wrestling theatrics that went along with), nor did the did-he-or-didn't-he offside moment for New York City FC. The whole thing ended with the righteous win for O.G. New York. (That's New York Red Bulls, to the odd new visitor; this site has lingo.)

Every MLS team is organized below between states of their post-season after-life: Heaven (clearly post-season-bound); Purgatory (neither they, nor I, know what the fuck they're doing); and, obviously, Hell (long-term prospects point toward lakes of fire and ice and/or eternal suffering). And...let's go.

Timbers Survive the Impact....And Well (Enough)

How did you not see me? Fucking sitter, dude...

Can we all agree that first half featured some of the worst chess-match bullshit that anyone has seen all season? Because I was in public, I had to whisper the word, "liars," when I the broadcast posted the half-time stats. All the same, they lied. Honoring all that futility with some assumption of effort and intention is advertising, people, an attempt to sell a bad product to a gullible public.

Thank god, then, for the second half, where both teams, the Portland Timbers in particular, came out flying. Montreal punched back just as hard. In fact, Jack McInerney pushed back hard enough to negate what could have been the Montreal Impact’s equalizer. Jack Mac's tying goal was called back, instead – and rightly so - so the game ended with a 2-1 win for the Timbers. And the winner...well, the gods had to let that thing of beauty stand, didn’t they? Go Diego, go. Go Diego, go.

This was a deceptively good performance by the Timbers, and a patient one. That Montreal afforded Portland a full half to sort them out doesn't exactly speak well of the Canadian outfit: it's down to them, after all, to make all those points in hand come good and today's effort was no way to do it. When the game finally opened up, Portland proved to be the better team, and by some distance. The Timbers announced their intentions in a beautiful, bolt-out-of-the-blue sequence around 50th minute. And (going purely on memory), it went something like this: Fanendo Adi knocked down the ball to Rodney Wallace, who pinged the ball into Diego Valeri; Valeri dished to Darlington Nagbe, who dribbled a couple times, shuffled the ball back to Valeri, and then broke forward; Valeri dropped this subtle little reverse pass into Nagbe, who was now on top of the 18; Nagbe then found Barack Obama, who then found Stephen Harper lurking a little wider; Harper tapped the ball over to Pope Francis, who had a clear line on go...shit. I think my memory stopped working somewhere in there.

Suffice to say, Portland played the kind of sequence somewhere around the 50th minute (+/- 5 minutes) that most reliably unlocks a defense. Smooth, fluid, and full of moving parts: that's how good soccer players win soccer games, people: passing and movement. As much as I appreciate an athletic, slaloming dribble, passing and movement is the two-word secret to the beautiful game.

And...let’s go with 3 other thoughts.

The 2 X 4: Best Defensive Duo in MLS; Portland's Puzzling Pieces + 4 More!

This is not a 2 X 4, but it showed up in a Google search for "2 X 4"

So, I decided to retire (the little-noticed, and therefore likely, unmourned) 3 Big Ideas, 5 Little Thoughts. I named that still-born little beauty "The 3 X 5” for the length of its short little life. Ah, memories. Still, the problem was obvious: what does 3 X 5 have to do with Conifers or Citrus? Nothing.

So, welcome to the 2 X 4. There is no more legit cut of wood known to mankind, people. And it’s a di-rect (if manufactured) descendant of a gen-u-ine wood product, a subtle improvement, if you will, upon the majestic conifer. It will still involve Big Ideas and Small Thoughts, just two of the former and six of the latter. And, in keeping with this site’s connection with the Portland Timbers, one big idea will focus on them. All the same, that’s going to be the second big idea...look, I think about this other stuff, so I may as well lead with it from time to time. And…away we go...

2 Big Ideas
1) Best Central Defensive Pairing in MLS
This one’s been bouncing around my head for a couple weeks now. I’m pretty sure it came to me the day I spotted Clarence Goodson’s name next to Victor Bernardez’s in the San Jose Earthquakes’ starting eleven. Then and there, I said to myself (quite possibly out loud), "Shit, that's gotta be close to the best central defensive pairing in MLS." So, I test the theory.

Now, we can throw out some candidates right away – e.g. my Portland Timbers. Though positively stoned on hope for the long-term prospects, the most positive thing I can say there is that they've worked things out and they haven’t. Toronto FC goes out the window as well because, new acquisitions aside, well, TFC just has a shitty defensive record and they damn-skippy don't play for Philly because, damn; the Houston Dynamo, on the other hand, imploded their defensive record only recently.

At any rate, that's the dead fruit in the grass a-molderin' (where the Hell is this hillbilly tone coming from? The lumber thing?). To find the finest fruit, the stuff substantial enough to make strong branches sag, I've picked through all the MLS rosters and checked some starting line-ups. The player combos listed below strike me as the Top 5 tandems playing in MLS right now. As in, right now, which temporarily rules out RSL, due to Chris Schuler’s injury. Finally, yes, they’re listed in order and, yeah, I had to get a loose on definitions with #2.

How to Avoid the Impact: A Primer to Montreal v. Portland (and Week 10 Previews)

Ah, high school lit....great goddamn short story.

Yessir, Major League Soccer officially hits double digits this weekend. Yep, one step closer to all of the players taking the field in these games wearing the importance of occasion like the ability/beauty impediments from Harrison Bergeron. Soon, we'll see how they cope...

This week, like every week, begins with the preview for the game closest to home: the Portland Timbers' visit to the wilds of French Canadia (no typo). Once that's done, I'll touch briefly on the rest of the games for the weekend ahead, as in, what the Hell is UP, MLS, with this Tuesday game bullshit? (Not that anyone watched that one; Houston Dynamo v. San Jose Earthquakes...shudder.) There's also a game on tonight, of course. It could very well be going on as I type this. I'm talking about Real Salt Lake v Los Angeles Galaxy. Let the record show that, sight unseen (seriously; I don't lie about this stuff), I'm calling this one a dreary 1-0 for LA. Feel good about that, seeing is this one's like a game on a cloudy night (e.g. no stars). (Almost happened, it turns out; I just saw a headline that said LA got Rimando'd. HA!)

Anyway, on the main event. Well, for some of us...

Montreal Impact v. Portland Timbers
Large parts of Quebec are terra incognita to most folks, even most Quebecois I reckon. I mean, have you seen the friggin' province? Goes on forever, I tell you. And that's fitting, in a way, seeing as, more than any other MLS club, Montreal is this year's undiscovered team. Setting aside the CONCACAF Champions' League (CCL), Montreal has played just four league games this 2015. They didn't do well in those, obviously, hence the whole "bottom of the table" business. And yet, all those games in hand can spell opportunity. Had one watched nothing but Montreal in the first leg of the CCL final, he/she would be thinking, holy crap that's a lock-down defense and that Piatti guy (first name, Ignacio) is one lethally-weaponized sneaky shit. On the other hand, if one watched the second leg, the second half in particular, he/she would think the Impact couldn't defend a punch from a toddler.

Tonight, I set out to educate myself on the Montreal Impact, at least to the extent (literally) possible (because, time). So, I sat down to watch condensed versions of Montreal's last three games in MLS. Which comes perilously close to taking in Montreal's entire oeuvre. At any rate, here is what I learned...

MLS Divine Comedy, Week 9: Some Souls Settling for the Long Haul

Getting bigger. Thought I'd focus on the positive...

Well, OK, there went Major League Soccer's Week 9. And, no, I don't know what the Hell do to with Tuesday's game. Week 9? Week 10? Some weird outlier that we can all ignore? Who is it? Ew, Houston Dynamo v. San Jose Earthquakes. Um, I hereby formally move that this game, and all its particulars, be stricken from the league record. Any seconds?

Week 9 wasn't the most exciting of weekends - the scoring wasn't high as it could have been, etc. – but it did confirm some trends surrounding some MLS clubs. And, yes, I write that fully cognizant of the fact that 25 regular season games remain in the 2015 season and that, yes, all kinds of things can change: new personnel, current players finding new levels of comfort, etc. etc. That said, some clubs appear trapped too deeply in certain patterns, failings, and personnel shortcomings, as will be reflected below. I will identify them specifically all that way at the end. Feel free to skip down to it, but I'd appreciate it if you, y’know, took the time to skim the reasoning.

Overall, the most striking thing about this 2015 season gets at the heart of everything that is right, and that is wrong MLS. First, take the Montreal Impact out of the equation and you wind up with a pretty damn modest gap between first place teams in the teams chasing for playoff places. For instance, just seven points (presently) separate "good" FC Dallas from a "bad" Houston Dynamo. That's great, in one sense, all that parity, a league of roughly equal teams means every club has a better chance of staying alive for more of the season.

Unfortunately, that reality very directly begs the question of why every frickin' team has to make the post-season. So long as you've built the league so that no set of elite clubs are likely to run away with it, doesn't the playoff system then just double-down on parity, thereby making it redundant? Expect this line of thought to go on for a very, very, very long time. Even as I keep watching three or four games every weekend that mean, frankly, not a whole lot. Speaking of, I took in the following three games this weekend:

New England Revolution v. New York Red Bulls
Portland Timbers v. Vancouver Whitecaps
Sporting Kansas City v. Chicago Fire

OK, enough with the blah, blah, blah. Every MLS team is organized below between states of their post-season after-life: Heaven (clearly post-season-bound); Purgatory (neither they, nor I, know what the fuck they're doing); and, obviously, Hell (long-term prospects point toward lakes of fire and ice and/or eternal suffering). And...let's go.

Portland v. Vancouver: 5 Things, Real Quick…Well, 6

The level-up this club needs (see talking point that shouldn't exist)

Because the "Overall" thing below.

The best thing I can say about the Portland Timbers 0-0 draw against the Vancouver Whitecaps is that it means the team doesn't step into a pretty goddamn soft May with a foot slicked with dog shit (Side Note: This morning, my dog's poop had a milky sheen on it; I know that's not good, but is it fatal?). Yeah, four of the next five games are on the road, but they include: the Montreal Impact, the Houston Dynamo, Toronto FC, the Colorado Rapids, and DC United. And, for the record, not in that order; check your local listings, etc.

OK, on to the game. 5 Talking points come below, with the 6th talking point being...

Overall
Broadly speaking, I'm encouraged. The Timbers looked sharp in the second half, particularly, and I can't imagine why that was. I mean, what changed around, say, the 50th minute? Beats me*. Portland generally possessed the ball more effectively, somehow found the better passes when they needed to, and, all in all, the ball stayed in front of Portland. And, golly, what a great segue to the first talking point!

1) Where the Hell Was Vancouver?
My preview for this game contained two fairly clear, general predictions, with two somewhat vague riders. Those were (starting with the clear ones): 1) that Octavio Rivero would a goddamn pain in the ass (check!); 2) that the 'Caps would defend pretty well (check!); 1a) suggested that Rivero would benefit from really good players serving him with the loving attention of a parent doing the airplane trick to get their kid to eat (uh…...not so much); and, finally, 2a) that Pa Modou Kah was good for one clear fuck-up per game (not today!). To unpack all that, Rivero did his busy-body best to harass the crap out of everyone from Portland's midfield to its back-line; the reason why 1a failed to come together was that wasn't getting service from Mauro Rosales or, especially, Pedro Morales. As a result, Rivero had to drop as far as the center stripe to get the ball. While Rivero is relatively Darlington Nagbe-esque in terms of the ball sticking to his feet, all that meant he spent too much of the game too far from Portland's goal. On one level, yay Portland! On another, that boils down to an off-night for too many of Vancouver's key players. As for the defensive side, the 'Caps just did well, and credit to them. Even when the Timbers poured it on (more later), Vancouver consistently had enough bodies between any given Portland attacker and the goal to weather all the storm the local side could manage. And that, children, is how a game ends goal-less.

Portland Timbers v. Vancouver Whitecaps, Plus MLS Week 8 Previews

A fate to be avoided....

All the best stuff happens in Major League Soccer’s Eastern Conference for Week 9: DC United hosting Columbus Crew SC; New England Revolution v. New York Red Bulls; hell, even Philadelphia Union v. Toronto FC, if only to see if either the Union can sink deeper than the ocean floor, or Toronto can’t revive any team’s dreams of a better season.

I’ll get into all that below (briefly*), but I have to start with my preview for the game that hits closest to me.

(* I’m sure I’m not the only person who reads some of what I post here and thinks, "Yes, yes, you’re very clever. Please kindly get on with it.")

Portland Timbers v. Vancouver Whitecaps! Part Dos!

I somehow got it in my head that the Timbers had its best outing of the season the last time they played Vancouver. A couple errors in thought, there: 1) the win over FC Dallas – i.e. the hopeful highlight of this worrisome 2015 – came the weekend after; and 2) it turns out I crapped all over everything and everyone except Nat Borchers and Liam Ridgewell up to and until they 70th minute. It appears Portland turned it around after.

Related note: my gods, I am a bitchy, bitchy man. Good thing I don’t coach the team...

At any rate, my review of Portland's loss to Vancouver makes for interesting reading – especially in light of the somewhat trying times between here and there. First, and I note this fully aware that he has generated a lot of what offense the Timbers have managed, I stand by comments on Darlington Nagbe (e.g. the stuff about how long he keeps the ball and why he should shake that up – and more than a little; see second talking point). Second, and most painfully and obviously, mind the persistent, recurrent defensive gaffes; further, note that if it’s not Borchers and Ridgewell, it’s Kwarasey (see; MLS Week 8, e.g. "The Playful Kitten Goal"). La plus ca change, etc.

This week, however, something will change. Timbers fans know neither when, nor for how long, but the Timbers brass have been talking up Diego Valeri's return for this Saturday's game. This is, unequivocally, good news. No one player has made Portland's attack better, or more coherent, than Valeri over the past couple seasons. And yet, it's very, very wise to temper near-term expectations. Not that I’m speaking from actual knowledge, but I don’t think he’ll start, or even go 60 minutes; moreover, I wouldn't want Valeri out there for all that long. Ease the man in, and for the love of Christ do absolutely nothing that even remotely risks aggravating his injury. Ahem. All I want just a taste of Diego, a little early-season, one-nibble appetizer that will assure me that I’ll enjoy, what will be, a five-course goddamn extravaganza served up by Chef Valeri for the rest of the goddamn season.

As such, the rest of this preview (not much to go; stay with me!) will assume no, or minimal Valeri. On to some bullet points:

1) How I Want The Timbers to Line Up

And, wow, I LITERALLY just changed my mind on this. I was about to advocate for the 4-4-2 with an eye to getting the Timbers' overall line of engagement higher up the field. Given that the 'Caps attack best when they attack in transition, this feels like the opposite of what Portland should do. To throw something out there, I believe that Portland's 4-2-3-1 is a 4-5-PR-Stunt-1 – that’s to say, I think the club lays that out to put an attacking line-up on paper, while the team functions in a fairly defensive shape. I’m OK with this. Albeit with a caveat...

2) What (Former) Captain Jack Said

"The reality is our main role is on the defensive side."

That comment came up in comments Jack Jewsbury made about Valeri's impending return. And there's something a little disturbing in it. Last weekend, especially, Portland punched even with an essentially punch-less Seattle Sounders squad; I read this as a failure to commit numbers forward. Even if you don't accept that particular premise, please assume it in service of the following point: if Portland wants to win – and this is until Valeri’s return – the team needs to send either FC Jack (new nickname for Jewsbury) or Diego Chara (nickname pending) forward with some regularity. This isn’t an easy call, by any means, because I feel both players suffer their own limitations, but I’d make it FC Jack; Chara covers ground and breaks up play more effectively, and I think his passing is safe to the point of being obvious. Bottom line, though: Portland needs another player closer to the attack and more often. Diego will provide this soon, but the club needs something in the now.

3) Scouting Vancouver

When I think of the 'Caps in the context of them facing Vancouver, one name sticks with me: Octavio Rivero. Yeah, his goals have dried up a little since his early-season days of stealing the 'Caps three points on the weekly, but his upside, and the challenge he poses, becomes immediately clear if you watch even what he did in a wild effort against DC United last weekend. In a word, the man is relentless. He's mobile to boot – which gets at the clammy, arrhythmically-beating heart of the matter. If there's a big weakness among all of Portland's defenders, it's tracking players. A slippery shit like Rivero requires a lot of attention. Worse, he's got a cast of great-to-rockstar midfielders feeding him. Key on him too much, another Canadian (actual, or honorary/temporary) gets free; go back to them, and suddenly you’ve lost Rivero again.

The second point is this: Vancouver's defense has exactly two weaknesses: Pa Modou Kah and Kendall Waston's temper. Both outside backs are really, really good – even their depth is sound. Basically, scoring on the 'Caps will be hard. Matias Laba being out does hurt them, but Gershon Koffie is a solid back-up. And Russell Teibert's a straight-up pest.

Bottom Line

I feel that patience is key. If the Timbers have to chase this game, it's going to be three-legged-race complicated. The advice I have reads like so: start in an honest 5-4-1 to feel out the game, but definitely shift that thing to that 4-2-3-1 before too much of the 90 is gone.

I have some faith in this one. Honest.

OK, on to the rest of the mess.

Houston Dynamo v. FC Dallas

I feel goals in this one. Houston ships 'em, Dallas scores 'em. But it's April/May, Dallas' Season of Suck. Plus, there's a cannon involved! Eeeeeee!

Real Salt Lake v. San Jose Earthquakes

The equation is a little ugly on this one: RSL struggles to score, but defend pretty well; same goes for San Jose (from what I gather: all I know for sure is that I’m honoring my personal pledge to sit through the full 90 of a San Jose game for the first time this season).

Philadelphia Union v. Toronto FC

Philly's desperate energy meets Toronto's capacity to genuinely ball when they want to...and to cough up back-breaking goals: throw this one in a box, shake it up, and dump the contents on the ground. More interesting than most games this weekend, if you ask me. If I'm the Union, I am absolutely keying on Nick Hagglund.

DC United v. Columbus Crew SC

Cold, calculating discipline (DC) against (intended) artistry (Columbus). Kei Kamara ability to win just about everything passed/lofted toward him helps even out the physicality a little, along with the Crew’s back of feisty Argentines. DC doesn't need the ball to beat anybody. Which makes them a little maddening.

New England Revolution v. New York Red Bulls

The next feature in what promises to be a fun 'n’' full weekend (exception: DC v. Columbus; and Portland v. Vancouver, probably; or if only for the locals). The thing to watch here: if Red Bull can't get their infamous/occasional roll-‘em-like-drunks press rolling, New England's going to take full measure of their defense. In other words, this sucker could get awfully revealing...

Los Angeles Galaxy v. Colorado Rapids

One injury-ravaged squad meets another injury-ravaged squad. Add heavy legs for the Rapids and a home game for the Galaxy and this one appears pretty straightforward: three points for LA, only without the valiant effort. I'm expecting 1-0. Sadly, there will be no grudge match for Marcelo Sarvas (not that he’s ever so much as hinted at that mind-set).

Sporting Kansas City v. Chicago Fire

Another one with promise. If you have not watched David Accam play for Chicago, do yourself a favor and watch David Accam play for Chicago. I'm guessing (and I totally mean that) that KC lives and dies in this one according to how well they boss the midfield. And I mean that in the negative sense. If they can keep Chicago in front of them, I think they get this one.

New York City FC v. Seattle Sounders

I simply cannot imagine this will go well for NYCFC...

All right. That's the weekend ahead. Savor this one, people. Then again, this is from the same guy who thought Week 8 would suck.