MLS Week 30 Form Guide ULTRA: Best Weeks, Worst Weeks and Tripping on the Cellar Stairs

Very, very, very fast walking! YEAH! HELL, YEAH!!!

[Ed. - This post is like an iceberg - most of it lurks down in the InfoBoxes below  - aka, fairly basic tables that show the last 10 results for each team in Major League Soccer, including who they played, where, and the quality of the opposition. I divide quality by: “IN,” teams in the playoffs, or projected to get there; “OUT,” means any team caught between doom and disarray, while “Marginal” teams serially straddle the playoff line.]

I’ll get to Week 30’s Top 5 moments, but I’d also like to call for a moment of silence to commemorate the week’s saddest, loneliest, least cared-for game. Orlando City SC met the Houston Dynamo on Saturday with nothing but pride and some hints of better times ahead on the line. The game ended 0-0. 3...2...1...shh…[quiet sobs, some laughter. and scene.]

Moving on.

Chocolate Mudslide to the Shield

Unless a miracle in the Western Conference meets a total collapse at the top of the Eastern Conference, the only two teams in MLS with a real shot at the Supporters’ Shield are the New York Red Bulls and Atlanta United FC. Both teams won during Week 30: Atlanta twice (a 3-4 thriller at San Jose (which included a solid candidate for GOTW), followed by a 2-0 win over Real Salt Lake), while New York might have taken too long (and it needed this one-man debacle to pad the final score to 2-0). The plot thickens next week when those same two teams meet next Sunday, but it thins out quite a bit for the rest of the season. The only really tough game left for either team is the Philadelphia Union at home - that’s New York’s and, between that and New York already being 4 points below them, that makes the Shield Atlanta’s to lose. New York gets the game at home, but it’s not like Atlanta is bad on the road (try 10-3-2). At the same time, the comparatively soft schedule for both teams means neutrals have to squeeze all the glory of this race into next Sunday. I expect all the excitement of speed-walking for the rest.

Philadelphia Has the Best Week Ever

It’s worth taking time to linger on what the Union did, not just this past weekend, but recently. That they knocked off two off two of the Western Conference’s hottest teams - the Seattle Sounders (1-0) and Sporting Kansas City (2-0), and they played the former in Seattle - only begins the story of how fast and smoothly Philly’s phinest are rolling. Not even going 7-2-1 over their last 10 contains everything about the team’s momentum. They played six of those 10 games on the road and they went 4-1-1 in those games - a number that’s doubly-impressive when set beside the Union’s 6-7-2 road record overall. This team is correcting, powerfully, and at the best possible time. Better yet, they finally found reliable scoring (that said, Jay Simpson scoring two isn’t the normal course of things).

Penn FC 1-2 FC Cincinnati: Consider Yourself...Boned!

My feelings are complex...

When you’ve watched soccer a damned long time, it’s nice to see something you haven’t before. It’s even better when that something plays footsie with absurdity, a la Tiago Calvano’s attempt to get into Danni Konig’s head and/or fuck with the ref’s request that the two players “kiss-and-make-up” early in the game. They need a different color card for this one…when Calvano actually went for Konig’s lips…in another setting, mandatory training would have followed therefrom. Damn.

It’s nice, in a sense, that Penn FC got at least a little of theirs back in this game, because they got…boned in this game. Not to get hung up on sexualized metaphors, but I didn’t come up with Corben Bone’s surname, and there aren’t a lot of verbs that better capture a player who had been theretofore invisible (Bone) stealing the ball from a dallying Aaron Dennis and curling in the game winner. That goal, when added to Emanuel Ledesma’s equalizer, lifted FC Cincinnati to a 2-1 road win over Penn FC, a result I’d call more unfortunate than unfair for Penn; or, FC Cincy’s side, fortunate…and still a little unfair. Not undeserved, mind, just unfair to Penn FC.

On the other hand, screw Penn FC because I wasn’t pulling for them. Still, my condolences. Man, it’s like there’s a devil in one ear and an angel in the other…moving on…

My notes from last night (at least the ones I can read; this was a late, second feature for me yesterday), the teams played fairly even game - and the numbers, read in the clearer light of morning, back up the impression (the link above takes you to The Match Center, aka, The World of Your Imagination). If they decided games by decision like they do in boxing, I could even be persuaded to call the game for Penn. (As my notes in the first half have it, and this is verbatim, “PEN has been better, but not much…meh; good on crosses, not great.”) That doesn’t matter, of course, as demonstrated/symbolized by the way (I think) Richard Menjivar had Cincy ‘keeper Spencer beat for a late Penn FC equalizer, only to have Forrest Lasso perfectly position to head away the shot.

If the game turned on anything in particular, I offer the old cliché, “that little bit of quality.” Cincy’s attackers fired more accurately at Penn’s Sean Lewis, and they forced great saves out of him - with Ledesman leading the list. There are also the kinds of players Cincinnati can call from its bench: it was Emery Welshman’s shot, after all, that Lewis spilled to Ledesma for the Orange and Blue’s first goal. If either Nazmi Albadawi or Kenney Walker changed the game, I missed it, but I do think that Welshman’s running, in terms of both speed and distance, might have given Penn the new look they finally couldn’t handle. And, again, Cincinnati has held that advantage all season - i.e., having real quality on the bench, as well as different varieties of it. Moreover, even if Albabawi and Walker don’t come on and change the game (for the record, still shrugging at that one), Cincinnati can rest almost all of their players without giving up much in quality - at least at the USL level. And that is a luxury…trust me on that one.

Minnesota United FC 3-2 Portland Timbers: Counter-Point

Keep the happy memories, wherever you find them.

Periodically, and only through the latter half of the season, I’ve asked - no, demanded - that the Portland Timbers rest key players - your Diegos (Chara and Valeri) and, although I’ve never mentioned the centerbacks, or fullbacks, I was glad to see Zarek Valentin and Larrys Mabiala catch a breather. When the Timbers did that tonight...it did not go well. Factually, if you’ve got any belief in this team left (and I do, if in heavily-caveated form), the first half of Minnesota United FC’s 3-2 win over Portland felt like someone pulling your esophagus out through your asshole. That goes double when you’ve been persistently arguing, directly or indirectly, that the Timbers have to trust their depth.

To start with the first half (I mean, why not?), and let’s take the Timbers out of the equation, I would have never expected any assemblage of professional players to crumble under pressure like that. Minnesota sicced a player on every ball before Portland players could take a breath, and Portland gave away their giveaways often and by every available means - e.g., stalling on the ball, through panicked, yet ambitious passing, and, in Alvas Powell’s case, by letting indecision cause the professional athlete’s version of a seizure. Warning signs flashed miles/minutes ahead of the goals Minnesota scored and, after all those goals piled on (this one by a defender...nice), I was anticipating the second half like a cancer diagnosis. Something else happened instead - and I’d argue that only complicated the proper understanding of the mess that was tonight.

I appreciate that a stats-loathing crowd exists within the soccer world; I would’ve called myself a card-carrying member for years, but, between not having enough time to follow all the teams and beginning to wonder whether watching every game isn’t just a pathway to more elegant bullshitting, I’ve come around to numbers. And no specific stat captures the shift in game state in this game quite like shots: at the half, Minnesota had 13 shots, 8 on goal to Portland’s 4 shots and 1 on goal. Now comes the flip: the game ended with Minnesota on 18 shots, 10 on goal, while the Timbers finished with 12 and 5 - a number that puts the second half at 5 shots, 2 on versus 8 shots, 4 on. And the game looked like that, and I think that's clarifying. In this case, those numbers told the story (there are no bad stats, there are only stats badly applied).

To step away from the top-line, tonight was all about testing a personal theory that the Timbers can rest key players without falling apart. With that in mind, I report, and with some sorrow, that the live demonstration of a Tomas Conechny start hinted heavily that he’s not yet ready for prime time, and that’s the worst thing about tonight. (Also, is Lucas Melano ready for...any time?) I understand the concept of “young player,” but the contrast between Sebastian Blanco finding the ball versus Conechny’s protracted, and likely accidental, hiding from it is damning. I won’t judge Conechny on this one game because, isolated, “meh” instances aside, I never really saw him. Then again, I clearly wasn't the only person to find him underwhelming: Conechny was subbed at the half, and that Portland - again, by the numbers (and through the eyes) - looked, and shot, far, far better in the second half. To note it, this came before Diego Valeri’s entered the game.

It was Diego Chara who came into the game at the half and, probably, settled everything down. Never forget that, and starting building the mold for that statue. I have persuasive arguments on this subject, don’t test me.

MLS Week 30 Preview: Matchups, Guesses and a Farewell to Tweet-Storms(?)

If you know Hearts, you know her nickname.

I’m going to attempt to return to posting weekly MLS previews to this site instead of composing tweet-storms…mostly because a guy named Gus Rachels made fun of me…

…nah, that’s bullshit. Working in 280-character blocks reined in the rambling - and, as if to underline the point, I tried to make a narrative out of this the first time around and I was choking on kudzu minutes later. Let’s move out, people, and let’s keep it tight.

I’ll start by tossing the chaff: everyone outside of Houston and Orlando has no reason to care about Orlando City SC v. Houston Dynamo (and handful of expats therefrom excepted). While some games matter more or less, that’s the weekend’s only dud.

As for the rest, literally all of the stars aligned to create some fascinating, puzzle-piece match-ups for MLS Week 30 – e.g., a fortuitously-timed game here (e.g., New England Revolution v. Chicago Fire) meets another team drawing the Queen of Spades there (e.g., Philadelphia Union v. Sporting Kansas City; that one’s for all you fans of Hearts out there). With so many angles to cut at, I think I’ll organize the bulleted previews below by going from best fortune to worst. I’ll end the whole thing with Minnesota United FC v. Portland Timbers….which is not intended as a comment on the state of Portland’s luck.

Columbus Crew SC v. Colorado Rapids

Nothing spells “relief” for a team looking to rebound after a midweek loss quite like "Colorado at home." The Rapids…have not improved, and the Crew rested key attacking players against the Portland Timbers midweek. Anything less than all three points would be a bad day for Columbus.

Los Angeles Galaxy v. Seattle Sounders

Hey, same story: Seattle lost on Wednesday and, lo, what comes over the hill but a badly-wounded LA Galaxy, a team whose last happy memory is posting a narrow W versus Orlando at home 6-7 weeks ago. A Seattle team, 1) who was winning all over (literally) nine games prior and that is, 2) exactly one step inside the playoff picture needs to kick a wounded man. Seattle should get all three.

New York Red Bulls v. Toronto FC

After months of posting reliable, positive results, the Red Bulls stampede finally showed real signs of slowing down. They could use a rebound as badly as any team after their last two results (L @ Montreal, high-scoring D @ DC), and they’re not going to get many better breaks than TFC’s nervous defense. Since no sane person cares about TFC, it’s anything less than three points for RBNY that you’re watching for here.

Portland Timbers 3-2 Columbus Crew SC: SUB VALERI (goddammit)

It's just right.

I want to start these notes on a, frankly, relieving win with an apology. Knowing full well that I had at least two full rows of Columbus Crew SC fans in front me, I yelled something very close to this somewhere around Columbus’ second (or third) shot on goal:

“Fuck it. Move ‘em to Austin.”

I don’t think it was just fans either. I think it was spouses and families. And they heard it. I saw the heads turn for the game of "Spot the Asshole." And...to anyone who heard that, I want Columbus to keep the Crew and get a spruced up stadium to boot...and I hope those aren't mutually exclusive. Just jokes…

A friend was kind enough to extend an invite, I got to watch this one live tonight and, honestly, the experience only continued my love/hate relationship with watching soccer live. The angle is never as good as you get on TV - especially buried deep in the southwest corner of the stadium - but, 1) I caught up with an old friend (invaluable past the age of 35); and 2) I had the best possible view of Andy Polo’s debut goal in a Portland Timbers uniform. It was by no means graceful and maybe a quarter planned, at most, but it was also welcome as Christmas morning, and, if I’m not misinterpreting Polo’s celebration, he had ample reason to thank his Lord and Savior for that one.

It was a night of firsts in some ways. David Guzman scored his first goal of his leggy 2018 season [Ed. - Correction: The author fucked up; that was, in fact, Guzman's third goal of 2018 and, as further penance, here is his first goal of 2018 (nice shot, too), and here's his second goal, Hail, Mary, full of grace, etc.], and Steve Clark played his first all-round sound game in a Timbers uniform…just fuckin’ with you, Steve. In all seriousness, hats off, Steve, not just for every free-kick you covered tonight, or every tough save you made, but for all the times you looked more upset than anyone else at every defensive failing. Respect.

Portland wound up winning this entirely vital game 3-2 - Niko Hansen scored his second of two goals (here’s #1) for Columbus, while Samuel Armenteros owes Lalas Abubakar a…let’s go with a Long Island Ice Tea for knocking his tight-angled effort past Crew SC ‘keeper Zak Steffen. In spite of a positively groggy start by Portland (Columbus families: This was my trigger! I’m usually very, very nice (I think)), the 3-1 that held for damn near 60 minutes of this game gives a more accurate read on its lived experience. As tricky as my view made it to read the game, I still believe I saw the Timbers defense round into shape between 25-30 minutes in (had a decent angle for that) and, once the Timbers switched from chasing Crew SC's attack to managing, I told my friend, maybe even before Polo scored, “I think Portland chokes this out.”

To anyone who doubts the MMA has had an impact on our culture…well, that one’s pretty benign, as it goes.

MLS Week 29, Form Guide ULTRA: Building a Team Is Building a Dream

We need animals (who look like they've had plastic surgery) in our lives.

[Ed. -again, this post is like an iceberg - most of it lurks down in the InfoBoxes (aka, just really basic tables) below. Those track the last 10 results for each team in Major League Soccer, including who they played, where, and the quality of the opposition. I divide quality by this broad metric: “IN” = teams in the playoffs, or projected to get there; “OUT” = means those seemingly touched by doom; and “Marginal” designates teams that bounce between those two camps.]

First, yeah, yeah, Zlatan Ibrahimovic scored something weird and delightful, but it was in a lost cause - and, barring a miracle for both teams. The Los Angeles Galaxy blows another shot at bare competence? Rah, rah. Toronto FC beat them on the field (5-3), and to missing out on bare competence. That happened about a month ago, with that draw at the Earthquakes. Zlatan’s goal was the only thing that made this one memorable. Now, to the games that did matter in MLS’s Week…29? (I mean, I’m looking at The Family Bible and only, like, five teams have played their 29th game, so kindly understand my confusion). Anyway, here are the results (writ large) that mattered - and in order too.

TCOB, Motherfucker, Goddammit.

Sporting Kansas City rolled into San Jose and smacked the crap out of the ‘Quakes, 5-1. They flat-out rolled San Jose’s entire defense at least twice (the goal behind the first link is awesome, with writing credit to Felipe Gutierrez), and the player’s they’ve brought in as upgrades - Johnny Russell, Gutierrez (when healthy), and, tonight, Gerso Fernando - showed all the way up tonight, as they have all season, if not always all the time. The one layer of “bite” SKC has behind its attacking corps - Roger Espinoza and Ilie Sanchez - means they can get away with some gaps in defense (Graham Zusi, allegedly); that goes double with Tim Melia holding down the goal. Moreover, they’ve got more attacking options beyond the players named above, and that’s why, all in all, I think SKC looks as “real” as any team in MLS.

You know who doesn’t have options, attacking or otherwise? My Portland Timbers. The team pretty much laid down and died around the 72nd minute last Saturday in a 1-4 loss on the road against the Houston Dynamo. To give Houston their due, Alberth Elis had the kind of game of which he’s capable, but they’re also absolutely doomed this season, and that makes it hard to give that necessary next shit about keeping up with them. The same might apply to the Timbers before we know it. This loss, along with other recent struggles, underlines the Timbers’ built-in limitations. They’ve got, at most, 4-5 consistent attacking players (Sebastian Blanco, Diego Valeri, Samuel Armenteros…uh, Larrys Mabiala? (Shit! I wasn’t wrong! Jeremy Ebobisse?), wow, make 3-4. That makes you, 1) really appreciate how good Blanco and Valeri have been, and 2) how easy it becomes to take just three guys out of the game.

FC Cincinnati 4-3 Toronto FC II: I'm Going to Miss Kenney Walker

No,  it's "Corben." "C-O-R-B-E-N,"

Are your favorite goals individual or team? I ask because FC Cincinnati scored one of each - the former by Fanendo Adi, the latter by Corben Bone - on their way to resuscitating a 4-3 win at home against an eternally gasping Toronto FC II. I’m Team Bone because I feel like team goals are more replicable than solo flights, they make teams feel more like, y’know, a team, and there’s just…something about pulling a defense apart by running and passing. (For me, that’s soccer at its best.) Don’t get me wrong: Adi’s goal was a whole lotta something, one of those moments where a player puts it on himself to make something happen. (You can find that, and reference for everything that comes below at The Match Center.)

The downside: FC Cincy needed both of those goals, and more, to beat a team that has lost twenty one (21) times in this 2018 season. On the plus side, FC Cincy has players capable of turning a game all on his lonesome. Birthday Boy Bone (googled that; results above) would score the winner in this one, but it really is remarkable that Cincinnati would need as many as four goals to beat a team as bad as TFC II, aka, the only team already out of the United Soccer League’s playoffs. (Actually, now that I’m looking, they’ve now been joined by the Richmond Kickers, Seattle Sounders FC 2, Tulsa Roughnecks FC, and Rio Grande Valley FC, though, mysteriously, not Las Vegas Lights FC, who are factually beneath Rio Grande in the standings, but who also have a game in hand, but doesn’t that still look like inoperable cancer for Las Vegas Lights FC? Why dick around with the whole “mathematically eliminated” charade. This is when, people, not if. That patient is dead. Moving on…because life is for the living…)

The other remarkable thing about tonight’s (narrow) win: Cincinnati hasn’t allowed three goals against any team going back to June 27 – when they allowed three goals to the same TFC II team. It was a step in an unfamiliar direction for FC Cincy’s defense, because, whether they’ve paired Forrest Lasso and Dekel Keinan or Lasso and Patrick Barrett, the team’s central defensive pairing generally gets along like steak and chianti, controlled, classy, just hugging every taste bud, etc. There is, however, sub-plot to that, an asterisk hanging at the end: TFC II’s Tsubasa Endoh scored each goal in his hat trick from several yards beyond the lands where central defenders roam; even his third, closer goal came from a place where you’d want a midfielder to shut him down, not a defender.