Colorado Rapids 2-0 Portland Timbers: Kindly Stop Saying "Unbeaten in Three"

In a word, the strategy feels off...

A sum of the sum of things. As in one example of several things. I think that gets to the marrow of it.

Would it help if Timbers attackers did better with their rare chances? Of course. When the call came, neither Marvin Loria nor Santiago Moreno answered (shit…there was one more chance I’m forgetting, but…). Loria, at least, had a dynamite moment of half-consciousness proficiency at the end of the first half, and off the Portland Timbers’ best chance of the day (helluva shot, kid), but Timbers attackers mostly fired the ball over William Yarbrough’s goal like they thought that was the point of the game. To float a theory, when your team isn’t great at finishing chances, that only raises the importance of creating more of them - i.e., if you only score once in every 30 chances, getting to 30 chances as quickly as possible feels like the shortest distance to goal. This being the age of analytics, a necessary disclaimer: I don’t know the Timbers’ goal:chance ratio. I only know they don’t generate a lot of good chances (40 shots total over their last three games), and that makes every chance a little more sacred.

Speaking of creating chances, the Colorado Rapids’ xG spiked for the first time after Diego Rubio got sent off in the 63rd minute. And, sadly, that's what it looked like in real time. The Timbers, meanwhile, flat-lined for the next 10-15 minutes thereafter and generally pissed away a man-advantage for the last 30 minutes of the game. The Big Bad Wolf howling at the brick house. And that seems to be a theme for 2022.

That inspired the title, by the way. After three games unbeaten, the Timbers got beat tonight - 2-0 at the Colorado Rapids - but I can’t remember the last time Portland looked like beating any team. Playing at that level puts their ceiling at draws, most of them goal-less, and that’s not a great place to be for a variety of reasons, up to and including entertainment. Worse, they haven’t exactly played the cream of MLS during that time - i.e., at Houston, v Real Salt Lake, and, tonight, at Colorado, aka, as close to middling (and yet still higher than the Timbers) that it gets - and that adds up to 282 minutes, plus stoppage time and in reasonably playable conditions, since the Timbers have scored a goal. I never thought Colorado on the road would be easy, but the few chances Portland got seemed to surprise (and baffle) them as much as they did me and it’s been the same thing for a while now: they don’t make chances, they grasp at them. So long as a team plays like that, the defense needs to have a perfect evening, maybe even something Disney magical…and yet the 0-2 final score speaks for itself…

MLS Weakly, Week 8: Take a Grain of Salt and Pass It Around

Goals.

Tell me if you’ve heard this before, but I’m tinkering with the format on this weekly reviews. Also, sorry it’s late! Note that I did not say “these weekly reviews,” because I am an architect who forever designs buildings, but who has never stood one up, amen. With that, let’s unroll the next set of glorious plans…

First up, here are all the results for Major League Soccer’s eighth full week, with links to The Mothership’s game summaries embedded in each final score and all the games on which I spent some time in bold. Because they’re the most important ones. Mostly. Oh, and I hung an asterisk on all the games that didn't go as I'd (and I'm guessing most people) expected.

FC Dallas 2-1 Houston Dynamo (ESPN+ didn’t have this one; also, fuck those guys)
Philadelphia Union 1-1 Club du Foot Montreal
Minnesota United FC 3-0 Chicago Fire FC
DC United 3-2 New England Revolution*
Austin FC 3-0 Vancouver Whitecaps
Sporting Kansas City 0-0 Columbus Crew SC
Colorado Rapids 0-0 Charlotte FC
Portland Timbers 0-0 Real Salt Lake (I have extended, embittered notes on this one)
San Jose Earthquakes 4-3 Seattle Sounders*
Los Angeles Galaxy 1-0 Nashville SC
Inter Miami CF 2-1 Atlanta United FC
Orlando City SC 0-3 Red Bull New York
FC Cincinnati 1-2 Los Angeles FC (I have extended, oddly contented notes on this one)
New York City FC 5-4 Toronto FC*

Again, the fact I didn’t look closer at a given game can mean any number of things - e.g., I didn’t have access to the content (see above), I expected the result (see below), I ran out of time (a general statement), the teams involved bore the buggery bejesus outta me (ibid.), etc. To give some examples from the above: Dallas beating Houston continues to boost a signal that they may do more than step to the edge of the mix in 2022 (and that they punch pretty hard at home), or even that that step may include shoving a struggling Rapids team out of it (and can a rate/shit-on player like Gyasi Zardes avert that fate?). To dig just one hand shovel’s length deeper (and both thoughts come from Matt Doyle’s Week 8 review*), what does the fact (or the argument) that Dallas slept-walked through 70 minutes of that game do to that calculus? Or should fans/pundits/punters take it as a given that either or both Montreal or Nashville will fire up the standings now that both are poised to return home after long road-trips?

[* Ed. - To be clear, I really value Matt Doyle’s work and insights, but, golly, there are times it feels like he gets paid by the narrative.]

FC Cincinnati 1-2 Los Angeles FC: Trying on Rose-Colored Glasses

FC Cincinnati at home, artist's rendering.

Porltand Timbers 0-0 Real Salt Lake: A Stat That Screamed Volumes

Look, just hear me out...

For once, I can honestly say this won’t take long.

Second, the facts: the Portland Timbers drew Real Salt Lake 0-0 at Providence Park last night. Neither team deserved more than one point, though, all things considered, RSL had the two best looks at goal and therefore the better claim on all three points. (Also, it really says something when the video secton of the game summary includes no individual highlights.)That said, after enduring this game, I feel like I could make the beginning of a case that some draws should see both teams awarded zero points; maybe leave it to a panel of international judges to decide, as in Olympic ice skating, only screen them to make sure real-world political alliances don’t slip any mischief into the final analysis.

To linger in that alternate universe, if I had to argue the Timbers’ right to one point to those judges, the case I made would go something like this: they posted decent numbers and put enough shots on frame to meet some bare standard for competence; moreover, a (reportedly) dodgy hip forced them to play without their lucky rabbit’s foot, aka, Diego Chara. Finally, and this is a personal note, they did one thing I asked of them in my preview for this match [Ed. - that’ll be the last one I post this season; those are fucking up the writing schedule.]: multiple Timbers shot the ball from range, with Cristhian Paredes taking the two best cracks, with honorable mention to Bill Tuiloma.

Now…if I was the prosecutor…

To start, the fact that Paredes (a box-to-box midfielder) and Tuiloma (a central defender) fired Portland’s best shots means a whole bunch of dudes didn’t show up for their shift last night. Santiago Moreno cut inside and clipped a decent shot toward Zac MacMath’s goal, but that one, like nearly all the rest, looked something a teammate would fire at him in warm-ups. Too many players - to name names, Dairon Asprilla, Eryk Williamson, Yimmi Chara, and, yes, Sebastian Blanco - continue to look rusty, something that simply won't do one-quarter into the regular season. The defense did all right, collectively, but Claudio Bravo will miss next week’s game at the Colorado Rapids due to a stupid, yet very on-brand tackle in the (fucking) corner of the field (the dark side of eagerness), and…just…for why Josecarlos Van Rankin? The argument that the Timbers can’t do better in that position just depresses me at this point. I mean, have the Timbers tried walking through the stands to ask for volunteers, because random, solicited tryouts stopped feeling irrational at the beginning of April. Related, I going to need some rose-colored glasses and a couple cocktails laced with ecstasy to make me feel good about the fullback situation next week.

FC Cincinnati Preview: On Beards & Handling a Sharp Object

Yep. Scary.

So, you’ve got the current Supporters’ Shield leaders coming to your place for a visit. How do you prepare? What steps can your team take to make this visit as frustrating and generally unpleasant as possible?

The work of preparing an answer to those questions falls on FC Cincinnati. For what it’s worth, I’d call getting past the idea of Los Angeles FC as somehow invincible a first necessary step. It gets harder from there, unfortunately…

When LAFC beat Sporting Kansas City 3-1 last weekend, they played a certain way, one that looked familiar, but still different in their win over Sporting Kansas City in Week 7, something familiar, but still different, from what they played like when they first joined MLS (think of a man you've known for a long time showing up with (or without) a beard the next time you see him; just work with me). Back then, LAFC deployed what I recall as a “second-wave press” - i.e., they’d keep the forward players high-ish, but without chasing much, but would go after the first ball into midfield like fucking piranhas and then “Red Bull” teams to death - i.e., the two-to-four-pass-then-goal/miss/corner attack - after the turnover. It was a spin on Red Bull New York’s gegen-press and relentless described it well.

The “relentless” essence hasn’t changed, but where and how it happens has. For one, new coach Steve Cherundolo has dialed back the defensive posture from “hunt” to “step” - i.e., they pressure the ball, only more with emphasis on creating conditions for turnovers than actively forcing them (for what it’s worth, I’d argue this shift started under Bob Bradley). While this has changed where the attack starts (e.g., deeper), it hasn’t rewired its fundamental impulses. LAFC under Cherundolo still gets the ball forward quickly and keep pushing forward once they get it up there; these forays either succeed or fail in short order, but they also have the cumulative effect of steady, targeted probing. I even saw this in their loss to the Los Angeles Galaxy. To lift a phrase out of the MLS Weakly for Week 7:

“[LAFC] hardly played SKC off the pitch - and the numbers back that up - but they played with…I guess I’d call it persistence. LAFC gets hold of the ball and just keeps probing, Kwadwo Opoku from one side, Latif Blessing from another, like a series of small fires. Ismael Tajouri-Shradi’s wunder-goal drew most of the attention, but I see Jose Cifuentes’ insurance goal as the real payoff for all that work.”

Portland Timbers Preview: Versus RSL, Desperation & Despondency

The elephant calling bullshit on the image...

First, I’m going to my first Portland Timbers game since that God-forsaken game against Minnesota United FC at the height of last summer’s heatwave, which, taking everything together, it felt like watching a game on fucking Mars. At any rate…

…wait, one more thing. FC Cincinnati plays Los Angeles FC this week and, because LAFC is a Western Conference team, I came in and out of thinking Portland plays LAFC this weekend and Cincy played…shit, I don’t know? Cleveland? Memphis? By that I mean another team in the league, obviously(?), but that still kicked my brain brain from one thought process to another as I mapped out the what ifs. It got a little multi-versey, honestly…

Real Salt Lake. Portland hosts RSL tomorrow. And I’m going…fuck, how does the SeatGeek app work? Now, seriously, the game…

Between recent results - e.g., New York City FC handed them their heads, asses, and everything in between last weekend, then they tripped over the North Colorado Hailstorm in the U.S. Open Cup at midweek - and their late form (grimace along at home), I expect them to come into Providence Park in some place in between despondency and desperation. And I suspect that how they approach Saturday’s game will turn on where they fall on that spectrum.

Based on their approach to the first several games of 2022, particularly their early successes, I expect desperation will be the dominant mode and, therefore, expect RSL to play an aggressive game, if not a very aggressive game - e.g., they’ll hunt the ball, challenge everything that comes at them, 90 minutes on the front-foot, and so on; basically, I expect them to play according to the Gospel of Mastroeni. Their hot start cooled off - they haven’t won in four and have just two points from 12 - and that rhymes with the broad theory that they played over their heads and/or teams embroiled in CONCACAF Champions’ League campaigns early in the season and have since crashed back down to Earth. Moreover, the road game at Portland kicks off a tough stretch, or, rather, continues it, seeing as they played away to New York City FC last weekend. About which…

I tuned in just after the 20th minute, which amounted to two goals too late. New York piled on chances, then goals, and the final score looked like a teeter-totter with an elephant on one side and a mouse on the other…only/, unlike in the cartoons, the elephant didn’t remotely mind the mouse. It ended 6-0 and, in certain moments, 10-0 didn’t seem out of the question.

MLS Weakly, 04 19 2021: A Weekend at the Donut Shop & Other Anomalies

A commentary on the 0-0 draws.

I didn’t know how much I missed watching people get weird in the stands until I saw some good ones this past weekend - e.g., the 10-year-old kid straight-up shrieking at a Philadelphia Union player as he took a corner, the kid in Columbus giving a comic thumbs down to Orlando’s Ercan Kara as he walked off the field with his mortified younger sister slapping at his thumbs to stop him, the middle-aged guy who comforted his visibly, yet mysteriously, anxious wife up in New England: ah, vignettes of the human condition.

Where to begin? First, I watched as much uninterrupted soccer over the past weekend as I normally do in two, maybe even three. What did I learn from all that? I learned I should take more notes, if nothing else, because even if you’re watching mid-afternoon sober, it takes something spectacular or violent to keep that shit from running together…and that’s less advocating for more violence in soccer, than saying I had to rely on kits more than I usually do to keep track of who I was watching. The spectacular doesn’t come up nearly often enough, of course, but isn’t that what makes it so?

At any rate, starved as I am for even gently-extended video to review, I’ve started watching chunks of the archived replays. That means dipping in at random to some extent, which means seeing defenders having tea parties, players running and falling all over midfield, shitty passes, time-wasting, the barking flash-mobs that gather ‘round referee, and all, but it also gives a more honest look at how a team holds its shape and plays in real time. The sample isn’t pure - my general practice is to watch 5 or more minutes on either side of the goals in the game, also, hold that thought - and it gets my eyes on games with a little less of the bullshit. Some things go missing - e.g., sitting through the middle 25 minutes or so of Toronto FC’s (broadly impressive) 2-1 home win over Philly meant I didn’t see the end where Philly jacked-up their numbers and, presumably, the pressure. Anyway, enough about my methods and problems. Here are all the results from Major League Soccer Week 7, with The Mothership’s summaries embedded in the final score:

Club du Foot Montreal 2-1 Vancouver Whitecaps FC
San Jose Earthquakes 2-2 Nashville SC
Atlanta United FC 0-0 FC Cincinnati*
Houston Dynamo FC 0-0 Portland Timbers (my extended notes, about as exciting as the score)
Red Bull New York 0-0 FC Dallas
New England Revolution 2-1 Charlotte FC
Columbus Crew SC 0-2 Orlando City SC
Toronto FC 2-1 Philadelphia Union
DC United 2-3 Austin FC
Minnesota United FC 3-1 Colorado Rapids
Chicago Fire FC 0-0 Los Angeles Galaxy
Seattle Sounders 0-1 Inter Miami CF
New York City FC 6-0 Real Salt Lake
Los Angeles FC 3-1 Sporting Kansas City

[Ed. - * Yes, I see the final score, yes, I wish I still would have watched it. Assholes…]

Houston Dynamo FC 0-0 Portland Timbers: A Lotta Nope & Homework for Gio

This, only even more dandy.

Wow. That one just kind of sat there, didn’t it? A couple things happened now and again to make you think the game might open up, or at least kick out of neutral. Nope.

Houston Dynamo FC hosted yesterday’s goal-less draw versus the Portland Timbers and, yeah, the whole thing felt the same as two dudes squaring off for a fight, both of them announcing loudly “I don’t throw the first punch, bro.” At most, you can think of moments like Josecarlos Van Rankin’s no-look near-assist to Darwin Quintero as one of those dudes getting shoved and, say, falling backwards over a garbage can. He gets up, none the worse for the wear but some wet spots on the seat of his pants, while his wiser friend (Aljaz Ivacic) helps him up and away from the scene, without further embarrassment or potential pain, announcing over this shoulder, “let it go, man. He's not worth it.”

And I think that’s all I can get out of that metaphor.

The Timbers handed Houston at least one more breakthrough - courtesy of Quintero and Fafa Picault combining to break a high offside trap - but Ivacic bailed out Portland again. The Timbers’ new No. 1 pulled their asses out of the fire again in the 2nd half - and all those saves are lovingly documented in the highlights (which helped recall who did what on the morning after) - so you kept waiting for the rest of the team to do something with the pocket money he gave them. To their credit, Portland created their best chances during spells of attacking pressure, periods when they’d seemed to make the conscious, collective decision to get players forward to see if they can’t buy the go-ahead goal. Cristhian Paredes fired the best shot I can remember - and from a good if crowded spot - and I noted some better-than-half chances for each of Bill Tuiloma, Yimmi Chara, Marvin Loria, and a largely aimless Jaroslaw Niezgoda (hold that thought), but whether by lunging (Bill), or kicking more dirty that clean. Nope.

Both teams subbed in players of interest over the second half - for Houston, Corey Baird for Tyler Pasher (who let Portland’s Claudio Bravo catch up to his best moment), Zeca for Griffin Dorsey, and Thorleifur (is Thor a nickname?) Ulfarsson for a largely aimless Sebastian Ferreira; for Portland Dairon Asprilla for Niezgoda, David Ayala for…Paredes, Loria for Santiago Moreno…good Lord, why did I start this section, then, later Eryk Williamson for Sebastian Blanco - and, again, nearly all those changes made you hope ‘n’ wonder that each move might get the same unstuck. Nope.

When Houston’s Teenage Hadebe got chucked for his second yellow at the 75th minute, I couldn’t have been alone in thinking that, surely, this momentous decision will finally deliver the moment this game has waited on for…75 minutes. Yeah, no, didn’t happen.

Portland Timbers Preview: Big Fish, Minnows and Goalz

Confident he thinks soccer is for communists, but still...

I had the pleasure of sitting through all of Houston Dynamo FC’s 4-3 win over the San Jose Earthquakes. And I mean that: that was a fun game, plus I got to see Jeremy Ebobisse score apretty brace (miss you, sir; door’s open for me). Sadly, I’m not sure how much anything I saw there helps me know what to expect during the Portland Timbers’ visit to the (not yet) muggy flatlands of East Texas.

To start, I can assure whatever pain you believe the Timbers' defense has caused you personally, it pales next to what San Jose fans endured at Houston (and generally, from what I gather). Neither team played the cleanest game - in fact, they both gave it away like they didn't want it - but San Jose got so turned in circles that they handed Houston chance after chance - probably a multiple of total goals they scored, even if a low one. The Timbers defense commits the odd gaffe - and, hear me out, what if they don’t do that Saturday? - so Houston should have to work harder for this one. Also, hold that thought…

Acknowledging the above doesn’t get the Timbers off scot-free, obviously, not with the way Houston plays. I, like you, do not like the idea of Fafa Picault running at any of Justin Rasmussen (because, rookie), Pablo Bonilla (because destructive puppy; also, done with his suspension, yeah?) or Josecarlos Van Rankin (because, let me count the ways); and that whole situation only gets worse when you fold a marauding Adam Lundqvist into the equation. Houston’s Tyler Pasher could cause some problems as well, but I have more faith in Claudio Bravo and less in Pasher and that helps me feel a little safer about Portland’s left. I still expect to see some amount of clean-up from whoever starts at center-back (more below), but that’s never not true, so…

To lay all my cards on the table, and this brushes past a recent history of struggles in Texas (ft. The Worst Governor in America), I see this as a game a good Timbers team should win. Still, that's the question isn't: are the Timbers a good team in 2022? That remains open in my mind, sadly, and will remain so until the full roster is 100% online, and that’s the thought that rubs against said open question. What can be established (provided you don't think about all the flaws in the theory) is that Portland is a better team than Houston and, by the associative property (transitive?), better than San Jose. Think of it as striving to be the big fish among the minnows.

I don’t have to tell any Timbers fan that, two games excepted (Week 1 v NE, and last weekend at VAN), Portland’s offense hasn’t scored more than one goal per game. Here’s why that matters…

FC Cincy Preview: at Atlanta United FC, Unlikely Does Not = Impossible

But, if Atlanta keeps handing out giant checks...

It pains me to lead with this, but I don’t think I’ve spent a full, uninterrupted 90 minutes looking at Atlanta United FC this season. I have, however, kept an eye on their doings, heard some stuff about Josef Martinez not looking like himself before he checked out for six weeks to get some free-floating bone out of his body and recovery from the surgery. I’ve floated the idea that they got “their mojo” back in a Week 3 recap I regret and/or still think I’m paying for in lost interest and, despite arguing they mostly survived their home draw to Club du Foot Montreal in my Week 4 recap, and, against the general tenor of what little commentary I read, I still suspect that Atlanta will be playoff competitive in 2022…

…yes, even after losing to Charlotte just last week. And yet I still end at the same thought: if Atlanta isn’t the most inscrutable team in MLS’s young 2022 season, they aren’t far off. Games that look like accomplishments - e.g., their confident win over Sporting Kansas City in Week 1, or even Week 5’s road win at DC United - look different in context (e.g., SKC’s slow start and just…DC in 2022). They’re better at home - seven points from nine on offer - but they still don’t present as a GOOD team, not according to their early record. Had they won at Charlotte - and, yeah, losing on an olimpico is the soccer equivalent of getting real money off a scratch-it, but they also failed to score themselves - sticking with the whole “mojo” theory wouldn’t feel like such a stretch. But they did lose…

As such, FC Cincinnati will walk into a minor mystery Saturday afternoon (evening, Eastern Standard, right around dinner time). By one of the broadest measures available - goals scored and allowed - Atlanta comes in on the right side of middling in the attack (nine goals scored) and the wrong side of the same in defense (again, nine goals), but the word “middling” does the most work in that thought. Moreover, and as much as the condensed game of the Montreal game made me question the defense, that’s a respectable home record. More to the point, I wouldn’t expect any neutral observer to look to FC Cincy to put a dent in that adjective…

…but it wouldn’t surprise me to see them steal this one. And let me make one thing perfectly clear before continuing: I’ll feel all right about anything better than Cincy losing in a blow-out, aka, the psychological benefits of playing as the underdog. Every win is a tablespoon of gravy, in my mind, and a road draw isn’t much different - especially when punching up nails a (for now) proximate rival.

MLS Weakly, 04 12 2022: Notes, Factoids and Projections, Now in a New, Improved Format(!)

And I go back to the old framing...

The good news, I’m getting closer on how I want these Weakly Reviews to look with each passing week. Related thereto, I figured out how to get my eyes on more teams/games every week, but, because it’s blindingly fucking obvious, I’m not going to say what it is. Instead, I’ll just slip it into the copy quietly, as if it was something I’ve been doing all along.

I will, however, tell you what it is not only not helping the mission, but that is openly mocking it: The Mothership finally churned out a deluge on MLS in 15 clips for the past weekend. Sadly, literally all of them are highlights from MLS NextPro games, a league that, as much as I’d love to follow it…just, when. Now, the review…

To take a step back and drink it in, a couple things stand out when you look at the standings after Major League Soccer’s Week 6. To give the short form, they’re upside down. For instance, you’ve got last year’s Supporters’ Shield winner (the New England Revolution) and last year’s MLS Cup winner (New York City FC) staggering back at 12th and 13th in the Eastern Conference and with only Inter Miami CF to save them from early ignominy. Meanwhile, over in the Western Conference, those standings are literally 100% inverted from the final standings in 2021, with the California and Texas teams holding five of the top six spots and the Cascadia teams (et. al.) holding them up from below.

Week 6 continued that trend, for the most part. Here’s a run-down of the results, starting with the results you can safely ignore (links to The Mothership’s game summaries are embedded in each final score):

Orlando City SC 1-0 Chicago Fire FC
Philadelphia Union 1-0 Columbus Crew SC
Houston Dynamo FC 4-3 San Jose Earthquakes
Sporting Kansas City 1-2 Nashville SC
Vancouver Whitecaps FC 2-3 Portland Timbers (I also have extended notes on this)

As you’ll see in the last section of this review, saying one can ignore a result isn’t the same as saying it doesn’t matter - e.g., that Philly’s rolling matters quite a bit, as does the reality that SKC can neither get their collective shoes on nor find the field. Also, Houston’s win over San Jose was wild and ugly, closer to drunken mud wrestling than soccer (I watched a fair chunk of that one, for the record and/or research).

Moving on, now, to the results that did matter, with quick notes on each.

Vancouver Whitecaps 2-3 Portland Timbers: No, Thank You. No, Really.

Happy to have it, disturbed I needed it.

Sweet Jesus. Feels like you need a chart with an interpretive guide with an addendum to read that one. On the plus side, the Portland Timbers picked up their second handful of three points in 2022 with a 3-2 win at the Vancouver Whitecaps. On the down side, Vancouver looks as shitty as their record - i.e., 1-4-1, but for the San Jose Earthquakes, etc. To nudge the cold, hard facts back toward a positive direction, Portland grabbed those three points on the road, never a bad thing. But let’s dig deeper

First and foremost, I’d argue Portland looked the better team throughout - can I get a “thank God” on that, HA-llelujah! - and I’d be stunned if the numbers don’t back that up. Checking………okeh, let’s take a step back and define “better,” because maybe there’s a language barrier here, or maybe I’m just not vibing with the data-dorks at MLSSoccer.com, but they’re saying most of differently, so maybe it’s time to take another step back to look at all this from a greater distance.

What went right for the Whitecaps today?

I thought Ryan Gauld looked all right, or he looked like what I remembered at least - e.g., hyper-active (in a good way), eager to combine and make things happen. He kept Timbers defenders and midfielders chasing all over the place, drew one penalty and came close to drawing a couple others - something I can’t stress that enough given Silvio Petrescu’s beer-googled evening of refereeing (i.e., the VAR was busy). I also thought Russell Teibert played a strong game, too, and in the same kind of omni-present way. Finally, above and beyond terrorizing Josecarlos Van Rankin for most of the night, Cristian Dajome scored a peach of a goal off a collective mental slip by Portland’s left side. Still, I’m not sure I’d call what I watched a two-goal performance by Vancouver; they scored their second goal on their second penalty kick - and on a call I wouldn't have made, fwiw - and it’s hard not to score one when you get two free cracks from 12 yards out. Petrescu/the Timbers D handed them some padding, in other words. Now, about the Timbers' performance...

It left me more happy than frustrated, for one, but it’s complicated from there. Marvin Loria found space down the left for as long as he played and, sure, give the man credit for the cutting inside to create the penalty kick that put Portland ahead (and on one helluva kick by Dairon Asprilla), but I’d also argue Loria killed more plays than he helped along over the course. And I think that makes Loria the perfect talisman for this win. Only a couple Timbers played a solid 90 (or less, depending) - fwiw, I’d put Bill Tuiloma, Diego Chara, Cristhian Paredes and, at long last, Aljaz Ivacic in that group - but just about every player had a moment or two when he did something a little better than. For instance, Asprilla didn't have a bad night - e.g., he stretched the field nicely and did some stout hold-up work - but it didn't add up to much besides a lot of running around. Until, that is, his moment when it arrived (aka, the penalty kick). He capped it off with a lovely gesture to a grieving Zac McGraw…just, all the emojis, guys, except maybe the poo and the fruit teenagers use as innuendos, and those moments exonerated whatever flaws marred Asprilla’s (et. al.’s) game and that gets to how the Timbers got a good result against a team that, so far, looks like it’s going to through some things instead of go anywhere in 2022.

Timbers Preview: Hopes and (...Restrained?) Expectations for a Weekend in Canada

The MLS Standings, in puffin form.

Courtesy of an invitation I can’t refuse (or, honestly, don’t want to), I may or may not actually catch this one. That said, this wouldn’t be a bad one to skip, at least based on what I expect to see. Let’s talk about why…

It’s not secret that the Portland Timbers have…not started strong. The Vancouver Whitecaps haven’t done any better - e.g., two fewer points than Portland, a guano-spattered roost immediately below in the standings (if with the one game in hand, along with most of the league); they have a -6 goal differential to Portlands…-4 (call it a teaser) and the ‘Caps have scored three, count ‘em, three goals in 2022 (0.6 goals per game, woo!). So, why is it so damn hard to see the Timbers coasting to victory up in Canada tomorrow night?

Both teams share similar patterns of play for one, e.g., two shit results aside, both on the road - for Vancouver/the record, their 0-4 loss at Columbus Crew SC in Week 1 and a 1-3 loss at Los Angeles FC in Week 4 (fuck it, I'm doing this once; here's the Form Guide; dig as the spirit moves you) - but both Portland and Vancouver have played the opposition close outside of that. Still, those shit results say both teams are capable of defensive collapses in the right situation. I’d be stunned if that happens to Portland in Vancouver, so stunned I’ll leave that thought there. To dig a little deeper

I have yet to dig deep or, more bluntly, give a shit about the Whitecaps’ in 2022. Between playing so many on the road and hosting tricky teams at home - e.g., they hosted a CCL-leggy New York City FC in Week 2 (0-0 draw), and Sporting Kansas City last weekend (1-0 W, for the ‘Caps) - Vancouver has by and large delivered the results I expected them to in each (i.e., losses, maybe draws), so what’s to investigate? Because I hop on every MLS in 15 highlight like a junkie, and knowing this game was coming up, I did dig into Vancouver’s win last weekend against SKC and, it gives off strong “only a mother/diehard can love this” vibes. The ‘Caps scored a half-trash goal somewhat late, with a big assist from SKC’s aggression approach to defense (two players eager to please “angry dad” (aka, Peter Vermes), bolted after the same ball, leaving the fatal space behind) and the chance for the shot getting tangled between Lucas Cavallini and Ryan Raposo (who actually scored it). Overall, the game had all the grace of a bunch of drunken Labradors chasing a ball on ice skates. The xG sucked (1.0 for Vancouver, a dismal 0.6 for SKC; also this isn't atypical) and no one looked particularly great outside moments, and the game didn’t dish many of those.

MLS Weakly, 04 05 2022: Notes on Week 5 with a New Org Chart/Principle

One analogy.

Because it’s been a couple weeks, I want to start by reminding people - while blushing, just to get that on record - how I viewed/organized every team competing in MLS after Week 4:

Long Season (aka, Playoffs)
New England Revolution, New York City FC, Seattle Sounders, Colorado Rapids, Portland Timbers, Nashville SC, Los Angeles FC, Philadelphia Union, Minnesota United FC, Real Salt Lake, Orlando City SC, Columbus Crew SC, Atlanta United FC, Club du Foot Montreal

Fodder, aka, the Teams Who Help Other Teams Reach the Playoffs by Failing (aka, Nope!)
DC United, Vancouver Whitecaps FC, Toronto FC, San Jose Earthquakes, Houston Dynamo, Austin FC, Charlotte FC, Inter Miami CF, FC Cincinnati, Los Angeles Galaxy, Red Bull New York, Sporting Kansas City, FC Dallas, Chicago Fire FC

The Watch-List - Good!
FC Dallas

The Watch-List - Bad![Ed. - I was 66% wrong!]
Real Salt Lake
Club du Foot Montreal
Nashville SC

I’ve spent...too many hours trying to figure out how to either reorganize and/or rename both the teams and categories and I finally (but also almost certainly not really) landed on a framing that makes sense. It’ll take me at least 500 words to get there, so buckle up and thank you for your patience.

Week 5 threw a decent number of curveballs - e.g., if nothing else, the away team won eight of the fourteen games played - but some detail and/or narrative pointed to some, or even most, of that. Some games fit that description better than others (even if for momentarily non-obvious reasons), while some other games just seem…meaningless. In my mind, those are the games a neutral fan can safely dismiss as…let’s call it unedifying. In Week 5, those were (game summaries are linked to in the final score):

Portland Timbers 1-3 Los Angeles Galaxy: Notes on a Parade of Elephants

I, like you, see more than one problem...

Never has a final whistle sounded more like a choir of angels. With that, let us pick the corn out of that piece of shit.

I’d like to begin by thanking the people involved for the few highlights. First up, Bill Tuiloma for delivering the Portland Timbers their one and literally only highlight with an elegant free-kick early in the second half. Second, let’s have a big round of applause for Madison Shanley, who (from what I gather) sang the national anthem while wearing a very red t-shirt with the equally relevant words, “YOU KNEW” in bold black across the front. Way to use the platform and keep on shining you crazy diamond.

Up next, yes, I think the Timbers had two very reasonable shouts for penalty kicks for which, as I see it, PRO Referees should have to answer for not calling - much as they did for a blown call in New York City FC's loss to Toronto FC. The first came when Yimmi Chara got cut down in the area…somewhere after the 73rd minute (I only know because, according to the chronology of my notes, it happened after Eryk Williamson came on for Sebastian Blanco), and, yes, I’d really like to hear the basis for not making that call. The other came later when…again, I apologize, but I’d lost interest at this point and I don’t recall which Timber had made the run, but the Los Angeles Galaxy’s Nick DePuy’s arm, again, very visibly made contact with and/or stopped the progress of a cross, and from an unnatural position. So, yeah, that would have been two penalty kicks to the Portland Timbers and a well-better-than-average chance of seeing an afternoon of mud-wrestling end in a draw. Keep racking up the "significant officiating errors," PRO referees! Really adding value out there. Sadly, I’ve got bigger fish to fry and duller axes to grind…deep breath…

I don’t give a shit about the blown penalty calls because the Timbers got the result they deserved. They lost 1-3 today, in Portland, against a Galaxy team that looked smarter, sharper and that executed better down to the last man; 1-5 wouldn’t have been remotely unfair. The Timbers, meanwhile, were fucking terrible, and uninspired besides - and I very much mean that down to the last man. Nothing can redeem that performance but better ones in future games and, by all the gods in all known religions, that had better fucking start with a change in the game-plan. Happily, I cataloged the myriad failings in a twitter thread, so I can focus on the damning and persistent issues that have led to what I’d like to think even the most hopeful Timbers fan can agree has been a bad start to the season.

FC Cincinnati 3-4 Club du Foot Montreal: Look, Maybe Take a Week Off and Come Back After...

I couldn’t put FC Cincinnati’s 4-3 loss to Club du Foot Montreal at the Big Tickle to into words, but I think the image gets to the self-defeating spirit of what some of you poor bastards paid to see live.

Looking at the numbers seems like a waste of time, even though I know I’m gonna do it - also, don’t do it, it just makes it worse - but I think the better exercise comes with marching through the parade of “what the fuck” the led to each of Montreal’s goals.

Goale the Firste: With Luciano Acosta facing upfield, Yuya Kubo peels off Djordje Mihailovic to double-team(?) Kamal Miller on (Cincy’s right touch-line), which leaves Mihailovic isolated against Nick Hagglund, never the best idea. Geoff Cameron then peels off to defend…with Tyler Blackett picking up Kei Kamara, though there are two more Montreal defenders lurking in the area. Mihailovic cuts inside Hagglund and loops the ball around Cameron, who steps forward and opens up Alec Kann’s back-post. Bad.

Goale the Seconde: Acosta drops the ball to Kubo, who has (about) 10 feet of space all around him, and Kubo chooses to dribble forward (instead of, y’know, passing the ball; related, I have a still of Alvas Powell tossing up his hands in frustration right as the turnover happens (about 0:05 in on the clip). He’s gotten away with that all season, but this time his touch carries too close to Montreal’s Victor Wanyama, who steps past Cameron’s challenge and finds Kei Kamara to his left. At this point, at least four Cincy defenders collapse toward Kamara and Wanyama on the (/Cincy’s) right, including Kubo, who was aware of Mihailovic, but lost him in that moment, and Mihailovic passes home from about 13-14 yards out. Bad, but also the beginning of a theme.

Goale the Thirde: Montreal breaks Cincy’s press by spreading the field and, after the home team thwarts Montreal right back, Alistair Johnson’s run, the ball bounces back to Wanyama who has all the freedom in the world to dream of possibilities. He lofts a ball between Blackett and Cameron, both of whom have lost track of Kamara, which sends the grey eminence of Montreal alone on goal with all three center backs chasing. They do not win. Kamara slots in Montreal’s third to Kann’s right/the far post.